note: Sorry for my poor english.

I (21f) don't know what is it but I think something is wrong with me mentally. I can't explain it. I don't think any mentally stable and healthy person will feel the way I feel.

I have been through a lot of mental stress during my early teen to late teenage years. Especially because of not being able to truly express myself (my sexuality and my identity) and having to hide myself constantly. Causing me to develop extreme social anxiety during my 11 and 12 grade. I finish the grade 12 3 years ago.

Plus I remember having a lot of suicidal thoughts when I was in grade 9. At the time was just 15 years old.

Its been 2 years since I have finally become able to truly be myself without having any fear of other people's judgement. I feel extremely grateful for that.

But however, I still think there is something unresolved within me. I regret a lot about my past. I fear a lot of missing out as I see the time go by so fast.

There are days when I will feel nothing , just emptiness like there's no point of living this life. I get addicted to constant phone use, constant scrolling and browsing the internet. Its like as if I am trying to avoid something. I lose my self-control. I will stay up all night staring at my phone and the next day will go to work with just 3 to 4 hours of sleep. And if its holiday I will sleep for 12 hours.

Then there comes other days after those some depressive days. I will feel excited and be all normal.

I don't understand this about myself. These types depressive days comes once in 3 to 4 months and can last from one day to weeks.

I sometime wish I Just didn't exist at all. And then later feel guilty for thinking that way because I know I am the only hope for my family and I can't imagine how much they will struggle without me.

I don't wanna die or stop existing. I just wanna know what is wrong with me. I wonder if I should see a mental health docto.

Thank you very much for reading my long post.