I'll just start by saying I'm a mobile user so yeah.

Hi, I'm not gonna say my name incase someone I know goes on reddit. I'll be honest, I havent been the best mentally for about 5 years now and the past two years (2020-2021) have to put it lightly fucking sucked. In January of 2020 papa was diagnosed with brain cancer, a serious kind that had no cure. We were told most cases last between 2 to 5 years but in some cases they can have up to 10 years. He didnt last a year, he passed away on September 3rd the same year, him and I weren't best friends by any means but we were close I went on two road trips with him and my mema, trips none of my cousins got to go on so mentally I didnt do so hot last year. Plus with covid I never got to hug him until near the end because he was worried hed get sick from us. Then I had to start senior year of high school right after and I know I was supposed to be excited and a part of me was but the rest of me wasnt, I mean adulthood is scary to think about. Then I met her, we'll call her Jess. She was in my last 3 hours of school and we both found it funny. We both had yearbook together and we were both put on sports teams together so we got pretty close about a quarter of the way into the school year and me being the lonely at the time 17 year old, I fucked up by getting a (at the time) small crush on her. Anyways fast forward to the end of the semester so some classes changed and we didnt have 6th hour together anymore, well you wanna know what I did because that small crush grew alot more then I'd like it to? I switched classes to spend more time with her. I'm a idiot I know. I'm gonna put Jess on hold because to be honest she helped alot mentally. Fast forward to the end of the 2020-2021 school year, I finally graduated and I had a basic understanding of what I was gonna do. I was gonna go into the air force because I'm too stupid for college, or at least that was my plan when I got a call from a marine recruiter and me being a dumbass signed up for it and I went along with it until about 3 weeks ago when I realised I wouldn't be a good marine especially where I was mentally so originally I was gonna take a break from it, figure myself out and get therapy. My dad didnt like that at all, he called me dumbass for wasting a perfect opportunity and a peice of shit and a liar for saying I wasnt good mentally so I said fuck it why join something like that when I did it to make everyone proud. He made me feel worthless that on August 19th I started walking to a bridge to jump and end it all. Then I started thinking about Jess, you see that small crush I had got alot bigger and I mean ALOT. We were super close, I mean we still are but I'll get back to that. And I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew it would destroy her if I killed myself right now so I called my mom and had her pick me up to let me stay with her for what's been 2 weeks now. I've been trying to distract myself by working 6 days a week at a stupid fish restaurant in my town and it helped for awhile but I can feel the thoughts again and part of me wants to give in and go to that bridge and just jump because heres the thing about Jess, as far as I know shes never felt the same and theres nothing wrong with that at all, frankly I dont blame her but its really hard to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Alright its almost 5 am and I have work at 10 so I'm gonna try and get some sleep. I'm gonna get into therapy in the next few weeks and if I remember I'll update this subreddit. Goodbye for now