I'M TIRED OF BEING HOPELESS I'M TRIED OF FEELING WORTHLESS I'M TIRED OF BEING BOUND TO THIS ONE WORD: Fat

I wrote this loud exclamation in the place that you can find to unlock all my deepest secrets...and a to do list reminding me to call my Mema. This is of course my notes app. I was cleaning through it when I found this along with other reasons as to "Why" I wanted to lose weight when I read over the words I wrote again I imagined the frustration I had and it all came rushing at me once again.

I dream of being the "after" person. What do I mean by that? What I mean is I want to be the slim girl in the after photo in those Before and After pics that I see scattered all over this subreddit. But I want to more then the picture. I imagine myself talking to some friends who knew me when I was at my biggest asking me how I lost the weight and just replying with what I always say even now, "weight loss is simple but not easy." I would want dress nicely and not feel like certain things are bulging out.

This isn't all about appearance though. I also want to be in the phase were I'm just maintaining my weight and where I'm one of those girls who runs early in the morning and knows when to stop eating. I want to not have to even use this subreddit anymore (haha). I just don't want to be associated with the problem that has been grappling my mind ever since I gained a little weight in 5th grade.

I don't like living in this during phase where I have lost a little weight but I'm still here: fat.