So I am a 36 year old guy and I am gay. I am a shy guy and don't think to much if myself. About 5 years ago I started smoking meth which gave me an escape n gave me a boost in confidence. I then came across tumblr and saw people posting vids of themselves smoking meth so I started doing the same and it got some traction so I got creative with the vids and it was fun n I was getting heaps of likes and i hadc10k plus followers. During this time tumblr changed some shit so my vids were being taken down. I was then told about pnp zoom rooms which was a zoom room full of guys smoking n chilling it was like having a session but online. People would msg me recognising me from my tumblr and I started getting all this attention online but in the real world I struggled to meet up with anyone. So many rejections or they would flake out. I found myself on these zoom meetings alot and that caused me to increase my use of meth to the point I was smoking daily.. I'd be in my room for hours smoking and chatting to guys who where giving me so much attention that I have never received in my life. The problem was all these guys were overseas. But it was nice that this guy from Australia pretty much a nobody get this much attention to the point everyone knew who I was . Had people screenshot my image and use it to promote their rooms and I was just blown away. Of course I had some haters but I was always nice n kind and friendly to everyone. Some thought I was just suckling up others were shocked that "someone like me" would ever talk or even respond to their msgs. As time went on I realised I had no real friends and the only ones I had were my zoom buddy's. My health started to go down hill. I am type 1 diabetic and eventually I had problems getting a erection the best I could do was a semi n that was trying hard lol and mind u I'd be sober too. So I felt embarrassed that a guy like myself can't even get hard any more so I was afraid to hook up with anyone or I'd make up excuses why I couldn't get hard. But on zoom no one cared they thought I was hot AF. I now find myself not being able to afford buying meth so my I tried going on zoom sober but it was hard everyone's high n blowing clouds n here's me just sitting here watching, it was crap I wana blow clouds I wana get high. So I am struggling cause that was my only social interaction I'd have. Days go by where I speak to no one my fone doesn't ring any more no one texts and if I to talk to someone I talk their ear off and I think I look like this crazy guy and just unload everything on this poor person and they sometimes politely end the conversation. I dunno wat to do I know people will read this n roll their eyes God even I started to see how pathetic I am/sound. I dunno I just wanted to talk n share. The other day I wanted to kill myself but I am a coward I wish someone would like send me a bottle of juice with poison in it and I just drink n just die atleast that way it's done cause yeah being lonely sucks especially wen Ur thinking of so many people but no one's ever thinking of u. I am sorry. I'll stop now thanks peeps