After some time apart, my ex and I reconnected. Our relationship was wonderful overall, but over time, it got a little messy due to unspoken expectations, miscommunications, and schedule changes, which caused ex to feel like they couldn’t give me the energy they wanted to, so we broke up. I admit I did put a lot of pressure on them, and I realize my own faults that I need to work on.

Recently, they admitted they still love me and want to make this work for both of us. This time apart helped us both a lot in realizing what we truly want, and we were able to resolve some past hurts and issues after lots of long talks. We both love each other deeply, and we don’t want to completely let go of the connection.

After much discussion, we both voiced we want to restructure into something more than casual but less than a labeled relationship, and we’ve discussed our new boundaries and expectations extensively…. we seem to be on the same page, but I am still trying to check myself and make sure that scaling back, with communication frequency and less time spent together can work for me. Due to some life transitions on both sides, I probably won’t be seeing them or hearing from them as often as I did before our breakup.

I don’t want to discount my own needs and feelings, but I want to enjoy what my ex can give me. We haven’t met in person yet since our split, and we’ve been slowly texting, which has been both friendly and flirty. I feel very comfortable and hopeful, but at the same time, that emotional attachment doesn’t feel the same. I know it’s going to be different moving forward. I do feel like I’ve got other things in life to occupy myself so I’m not too wrapped up in this (NP, work, friends, school), so I’m just trying to regulate myself and put energy where it matters and let things happen naturally. I’ll admit I got swept up in that sweet, sweet queer NRE — and I neglected parts of my life and became very intense. I was honestly relieved when we broke up, because that step back made me realize a lot of things about myself that I need to work on, too.

Is it better to just walk away and just be friends? Should I give restructuring a shot if I feel optimistic? Can two people truly de-escalate and come back together in a way that works for both parties? How do you define something that’s not quite casual but not quite a relationship?