Forgive the length but the headspace I’ve been in lately is mind boggling. Figured it might make for “fertile” conversation LOL. First some context.

I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life (I’m 32) with the understanding that I’m infertile. Without going into the gory details, suffice to say I had to have a procedure when I was younger to avoid a potentially life threatening problem. It was a no brainer at the time for me and for my parents. It’s not something I ever regretted; I’m alive, which is all that’s important, and I rationalized it pretty quickly: having a child wasn’t something I’d be able to do, so there’s no point in being sad about it. Me never having a kid was akin to me never winning a gold medal in gymnastics. Other people can do that and good for them! I’ll do something else and be just as happy.

So I’ve always had a much clearer understanding of my body than I think I would have otherwise. I was free from worrying about getting knocked up, which I really took advantage of (let’s just say I was SUPER popular in college lol).

I would always be honest with guys, whether we were dating, just hooking up, or if they were just flirting or a potential NSA hookup, letting them know the deal upfront. In a way I always carried a bit of shame about it, which is super fucked up but whatever, we all have baggage. Despite me being at ease with and accepting my reality, if I was going to have sex with a guy I felt like he should know that I was… broken. But simultaneously I’d get even more embarrassed for being embarrassed, and mad at myself for thinking that way. I’m great, I’m smart, kind, funny, talented, awesome. And I’m great in bed! And I freaking love sex. So I have nothing to be ashamed of. But still both feelings would be there.

Thankfully, and let’s be honest - very unsurprisingly - guys never reacted poorly. If anything it would be the opposite, they’d be excited. Most guys would be sympathetic on some level, many of them about the fact I went through a pretty intense medical situation. It would be from that group of guys (usually) any boyfriends or FWBs or regular fuckbuds would emerge. I’m typically bad at relationships though, I’m too independent, stubborn, and at times selfish. But whatever. With guys like that there was an underlying respect for me in their sympathy. They understood that I experienced trauma and wished I hadn’t.

There were other guys, I wouldn’t say a handful but definitely a minority, who were sympathetic but it was for me not being able to have children. That was always an awkward, and sometimes downright weird, conversation. Because they immediately lost “me” in their sympathy. There was an assumption that I must feel heartbroken, or useless, or like damaged goods. Which, despite what I was subconsciously lowkey feeling (which was about me and my body specifically not my position in the pantheon of fucking womanhood), that POV was asinine. First there was an underlying assumption that I had a desire to be a mother, more specifically to give birth to a child, which is a pretty bold assumption. Second there was an element of pity in their reaction, which was condescending and insulting.

But I can’t think of a single guy, and I’ve fucked a lot of guys, who didn’t also get excited when I’d tell him I couldn’t have kids. Some would contain it a little better than others lol, but it wouldn’t take guys long to jump to the right conclusions. “So that means no condoms?” there would usually be a tone of hopefulness, or delight, and sometimes surprise, that would go with that. For some guys they would say that as a statement, not a question. That always made me weak in the knees and would get my juices flowing, because with those guys, typically, that meant I was not about to have sex, I was about to get FUCKED.

Then guys would realize that not only were they going to get to fuck me bare, but they don’t need to pull out either. Sometimes they would ask about this, to confirm I was okay with it, otherwise I would tell them they could. I’d always position it as their choice, but that I would prefer them to bust inside me. For me it had become the most amazing and intimate moment during sex, the thing I craved more than anything. It goes beyond simply loving the creampie. It’s getting to feel a man’s muscles tense and then release, his sweat, sensing the change in his breathing, hearing him moan or grunt (fuck, it’s hot when they grunt) or swear, seeing the look of intense pleasure and release in their eyes. Everything about making a man cum hard like that makes me feel incredible and powerful, and knowing that my pussy was the catalyst for getting him off so intensely, it’s the most sexually satisfying feeling to me. Even more than having an orgasm myself, feeling a man cum like that inside me always gives me a rush that can’t be beat.

I thankfully can’t think of a single occasion where a guy didn’t take me up on my offer. And yeah I know there’s an obvious flip side to it that we could call “duh” (lol), but I always feel incredibly grateful whenever a guy unloads in me. Given the enormous levels of pleasure and satisfaction I feel from getting a guy off, I love that he’s giving my pussy his dick and cum. He’s letting my pussy get him off. He could be jerking off, or fucking somebody else who won’t appreciate it, or will make him wear a condom, but instead he’s letting me spread my legs for him, and he’s pumping my pussy hard and deep until he busts his nut and fully unloads in me. Nothing gives me more pleasure, so I’m always thrilled and grateful when a guy gives me that.

So now I’m in my early 30s, very successful at my career, super happy, I have my own money, my own place, my own life and it’s pretty goddamn great. While I don’t have a boyfriend, I actually prefer being single (way less work and patience and compromise lol). I date and meet new guys and also have several super fun, reliable FWBs and fuckbuds. I travel a ton for work, and I’m grateful when I can find guys in cities I visit regularly who are down to be potential local fuckbuds. I’m really fulfilled (figuratively and sometimes literally lol).

Where I’m at a crossroads is that I recently had a procedure done to remove internal scar tissue, which has created the potential - albeit EXTREMELY unlikely - that I could get pregnant. That wasn’t the motivation for the procedure at all, I had accepted and embraced my infertility. I’ve also never had any maternal tugs re adoption etc. And it’s also really truly unlikely that I will ever get pregnant, and even in the wild scenario where I do countless potenial complications carrying a baby to term.

But the existence of that sliver of possibility has thrown me for a loop. I’m not sure I’d want a child if it were to happen, and I want a husband even less lol; I’m clear in my mind that if it ends up happening I’m doing it alone and have the means to do so. So that piece of it I’m very clear on.

Where I’m challenged now (or maybe not challenged, but what’s on my mind) is that I don’t want my sex life to change. Obviously some aspects don’t have to, I’ve always preferred having multiple guys available to hang with and fuck me and that doesn’t have to change. I’ve always enjoyed having the freedom that if I like a guy and he’s cute, or well built, or sexy in some way, then I’ll let him fuck my brains out. I love that and don’t have to stop.

But I’ve also really enjoyed being able to give GUYS that freedom too. That’s always been hugely appealing on a psychological level for me. When a guy asks me out or flirts or puts the moves on me, I’ve loved being able to give him the freedom to not have to worry at all, never bother with condoms, and never pull out. In fact I typically encourage guys to instead try to bust inside me as deep as they can. If I’m giving them that freedom I want them to truly enjoy it and get the full effect.

It’s always been that way, and I want to keep giving guys that freedom (and keep getting the intense pleasure it gives me in return). I’m just not sure if that’s going to possible. I won’t lie about it, that’s not my style. I guess I just need to maybe shift my mindset? Explain that there is an infinitesimally small chance of me being able to get pregnant, and that if I do I’m going to deal with it myself, so not to worry about it? And then give guys the option like I always have, and hope that they will still be happy to fuck me raw and cum deep inside my pussy, knowing the chances are so slim?

That’s where I’m at right now at least. It’s just a way more complex situation than I ever expected.