Its a really long post so please forgive…skim it, read it, skip it, the post is really just for me to get it out even if no one reads it. 

Our story: After 8 years of very controlled black tar use, we lost control and had to quit in the summer of 2020. It was all that extra covid money that did it. 

Before then twice a week we drove 2.5 hours one way to pick up from our same amigo. We spent 800/1k each week getting anywhere from 13 -17gs. For the 2 of us, it equaled abt 4 shots a day. Sometimes extras. But at set times and very controlled.

Then covid hit. 

We lost our heads w/unemployment $ and started buying a stack at a time, doing 34 gs a week between the two of us. A few times it was 2 stacks a trip. It was not sustainable. We only felt a shot if we were in withdrawal. it didn't matter how big or how often. I'd spend probably 14 or more hours a day fixing shots and looking for veins its all we did.

How could we go back to that controlled schedule? 

I thought we'd use heroin forever and I was completely content to do it. I had great relationships with my family.  We had jobs. We didn't steal or fuck people over for money. We were pretty civilized. ha I thought.

The only negative was the damage to our body. The scars and normalization of disgusting unsanitary behavior. The abscesses, blood and pus. Leaving blood crusted to my legs under my clothes for days. In desperate times doing old bloody ones that got coagulated and clogged from 5 or 6 months before. Cleaning the dope splatter off the sink and shooting it. He had an open wound on his leg leg 2 years at that point from going in the same spot bc there was no where left. 

But still quitting heroin was never on my radar.  it felt like we were too far in at that point. the damage was done. we would never be who we were before we started shooting it. So we never discussed it like it was something we would actually do.

 If it weren't weren't covid making us lose control, we would still be doing it. but July 3rd 2020 we decided to stop. And we did. 

So what did 8 years of injecting black tar heroin 4 or more times a day do to our body?

The butchers bill:

Well the scars from tracks and abscesses is a given.  The weird dark marks where dope settled under the skin like an almost bruised appearance is still there. Black spider veins from shallow veins...you know the kind where you can see the doping running through and even the little air bubbles look like a bug running thru your veins. So much gratification watching the veins in my finger turn black. Even the ones where i used to shoot in his back, butt, forehead, dick, neck, chest, shoulders, everywhere we could see a vein no matter how big or small like the ones on his gorgeous lower back are all still black even though it's been 5 or more years since expiring them.

A fun one that doesn't hurt but is so inconvenient is my middle finger on my left hand. It is curled into a claw from where I was going in my palms and fingers. I think I may have went in the bone marrow bc it immediately curled inward and I've never been able to straighten it since. 

Neuropathy and numbness in our limbs that can be quite painful. If we elevate them at all like holding our phone or elbows on the table we lose circulation in our limbs. 

Our lymphatic system is so damaged it won't return fluid from our limbs. Its from sticking yourself over and over looking for veins. The last few years when going on the shin or calf, we would leak fluid from the same spot for a week or more. Like enough to keep your whole pant leg wet. 

My puffy had syndrome lol. Thats legit what the vein specialist called it. It's so puffy, well both are, but my right side is completely swollen both hands/arm and leg/foot. I have to wear compression garmets from a prosthetics Dr custom fit for me. Its a gauntlet and arm thing that I'm supposed to wear every day for the rest of my life. 

Both of us have the swollen limbs to the point everywhere we go, people still ask what's wrong with our hands? why are they so swollen? The lady at the bank told him they looked like cartoon balloon hands!! It's called lymphedema caused by lymphatic reflux aka the fine hair like tubes that running through your body to move water. 

Same for our legs. I can't find shoes muchless a cute boot to fit my feet or ankles bc its too swollen. So with the hideous scarring and bruising, I can't wear the short dresses I loved without covering my legs and how great would it be to just put on a sexy boot like I used to wear. Never again. I know that's not a big deal. but as a woman being unable to buy any shoes boots or dresses or skirts…stuff you used to enjoy is really depressing. Especially now that I'm sober and have extra money to treat myself and care about things like looking nice.  

Our vascular system Is FUCKED. The veins we do have don't return blood properly; it just pools in our extremities. They can't find veins even with a vein finder and an ultrasound when giving blood or trying to get an IV in. 

I had to get an IV in last year and it took 12 hours with 3 anesthesiologists using ultrasound machines sticking me for hours.  They would get it, start the drip and it would come out over and over. Finally they had to do a midline. If it was an emergency and they didn't know to do the Midline or an EMT couldn't do it I don't know what would happen. 

We've both seen vein specialists, had countless Ultrasounds and tests. He is getting an ablation next month to try and stop one of the main veins that isn't returning properly,  try to force blood flow to other veins. 

Bc of this he has a wound on his shin that won't heal. its about 6 inches long and probably 3 inches wide. It's from going in the same spot over and over out of desperation bc its the only place he would get blood in the rig. but i believe he was always missing and only getting off bc it was possibly going in intramuscular. 

So even going to wound care he doesn't have enough blood flow to the area to help it heal. We are hoping the ablation will help and he won't have to get a vein transplant. Insurance won't cover a skin graft right now. 

We both have hormone issues and our endocrine system is completely fucked. I have discovered I have addison's disease or secondary adrenal insufficiency. 

This causes chronic fatigue and an inappropriate adrenaline response. My body isnt producing cortisol/adrenaline the way it's supposed to from 2 decades of opioid use. Even with a type of adrenaline shot, my peak levels are lower than most people when they sleep lol! So I am on hydrocortisone steroids for life. I am supposed to wear a medical ID bracelet and carry around a vial of adrenaline in case I get in a life threatening situation or very sick bc my body won't provide enough adrenaline to get me through it. Who even knew that was a thing!  

What does low cortisol do or control…everything!!! My memory is shit, my words are a struggle, my energy is nonexistent, my blood pressure is out of control, causes weight gain, sleep disturbance just so much. 

Damage to your cortisol levels is as common as Low T for long term opioid users. the endocrinologist did a consult on my file and at the bottom it said took 10 mins to diagnose me lmao. I'm willing to bet many of you older heads have it and don't know. 

My skin on my arms are red and flushed like I'm sunburnt bc so much blood has to run thru surface veins and capillaries since many veins in my arms are not functioning properly. 

Everytime I go to the doctor we discover something new and awful that has cropped up.

I know my issues are minimal compared to death, prison, no hepatitis, losing everything and everyone. If my partner doesn't lose his leg from the wound, I will be happy and feel we still ended on top. 

Even despite all of this I miss it and think about excuses to go pick up. But I'm about to celebrate my 3rd birthday in 20 years with no drugs. That feels bittersweet, but ultimately good.