To badly summarize: we met online, it’s complicated, it’s long distance (8 hour drive), did I mention it was complicated?

We were building up from strangers to friends to internet lovers. I wanted us to meet eventually. Due to the complications not mentioned above, we could never close the gap permanently. I know that can be an issue but he never said so, nor had he talked about meeting irl. Things were good when he had a sudden mental health episode that resulted in him ghosting me.

For six weeks I believed he was dead or was just so intensely done with me. I tried moving on, and was working on that goal, but the unknown hurt. An unrelated incident triggered me into writing him a letter sort of begging for forgiveness for whatever I did wrong to make him leave me. (I apparently internalize a lot of shit.)

I assumed he wouldn’t get the letter but he did and he responded. He reassured me that I wasn’t to blame. He did not give me a lot of details about his situation other than to say he is in therapy and he has a lot of work to do. He admitted that he loves me, something we had not discussed before. He expressed that he had been assuming that I could never forgive him for ghosting me and that was why he never reached out again once he was stable.

I tried to reassure him that I loved him and that I wanted to be there for him. We were in somewhat awkward communication for four days before he came back from therapy and informed me that “his therapist thinks” he should not be involved until he is more stable.

He asked me to give him space/time to concentrate on getting better. We have not spoken since. I’m respecting his request. It’s been two months and while I do not think he’s going to be all healed in a matter of weeks or even months, I’m seriously struggling.

Remember when I said I internalize a lot of shit? Well here we are. At first I was strong. I knew how I felt about him and I finally knew that he returned my feelings. I told myself I could manage the time knowing that when he’s ready, things would be great for us.

That strength lasted only a matter of days before I was letting the negative thoughts creep in: “I’m not good for him. The distance is bad. His therapist must think I’m toxic: the only things they know about me is how selfish I was when we were getting to know each other.” (I talk a lot and he is quieter -then when I wanted to know more about him he just wanted to listen to me.)

The only thing that isn’t an issue between us (although outsiders must for sure see it as an issue) is our age gap. I’m 19 years older, he’s almost 30, I’m almost 50. He’s been married and divorced already; he’s got kids with no desire for more; and maybe the single biggest negative: I have children of my own and I am married. I’m ethically open and all parties are aware and at peace about it, but it does mean that I can never pick up and move closer.

Because of my negative self talk I have convinced myself that his therapist must believe I am bad bad news for him. There can’t be anything good in this relationship for him, and no matter how chill I try to be, I can’t make myself see anything else. I would not blame him for never wanting to rekindle a relationship with me in the future. But, he gave me hope. He said he needed time. He told me he loves me.

I’m not naïve, I know people say all kinds of shit to get out of a relationship without hurting feelings, but I can’t let go because “what if…?” And while I know it sucks to be in a LDR that can’t ever be closed, I truly feel that we can make it work, at least for a time.

This is probably the most selfish thing ever, but even if we know we won’t work out, I still hold out hope that one day we will get to spend at least one long weekend together.

I’m not so selfish that I am texting him begging for attention. But I dream about it all the time. At this point I want to beg him to definitively let me go. I NEED him to break it off without a doubt: tell me I suck and I’m a bitch and he doesn’t love me. I’m trying so hard, but I just cannot move on. I can’t even fake it with other guys online because they are not him, and our sexting was so amazing, I’m ruined for it now. (I feel like that’s crazy but I just can’t play with anyone else, I only want him.)

Is it wrong of me to message him begging him to break my heart so I can heal? What if he is holding onto the hope that he can meet me one day? I don’t know what to do