Got out of a seven year relationship two weeks ago and at the time I thought it was right to do. I felt as if I've fallen "out of love" or never really felt in love to begin with and was planning on breaking it up, but instead took a coward's way out.

I felt that she stopped putting effort in bettering herself and fell into a slump, which I can understand, as two years ago she suffered a traumatic event that I felt really shifted the direction of this relationship. The first of those years I was trying to be very supportive, but eventually started losing attraction with how challenging it became to get her to do anything, even her own hobbies. The chemistry was getting dull and lead to me wanting to feel the spark again, at her expense.

Again I blame myself for this breakup, as I was engaged to her for the last four years but couldn't work up the motivation to go through with the marriage and entire change of life. In which I felt contributed to her getting torpid, worst now in the last year.

However now two weeks into the breakup I've gotten new insight. I have been in love with this person all this time, because this pain cannot be from anything else. The lack of sleep, lost of appetite, no core strength to do my heavy lifting, or even just trying to better myself. The hope we can fix this and not just move on so fast, I thought I wanted to date again, but all I'm feeling is not wanting to replace her and her memory.

I threw away something invaluable over a spark chase and feel stupid for it....but I can't regret it for it had to happen so I can see it for myself (this was my first relationship after all). It was the kick in the ass I needed to start moving forward with my life and making myself worthy of someone to get married.

But it helped her on her side too, she got a new job. She's getting a new pet. She did her hair in a new color she's been wanting to do for a long time, she's getting into new games, linking up with old friends that she didn't talk to for a long time because she spent most of her time with me, even got to flirt with someone else (which burns btw) and she felt excitement again. I feel this helped her wake up again and it sucks that it took the break up to get an energy boost again.

Note: I never kept her from any of her life, I offered personal gymtime, pay for cosmetics and such to retain that passion we had in the early years, and to keep up with her friends, but I don't know what happened, there was such disinterest whenever I pushed. But of course whenever a family member or friend made a statement she took it to heart.

I felt like I was NOT being heard or as if my words didn't matter or even held weight.

And yes I did bring these issues up, but to no avail. I felt I was marrying into a future of apathy, hence the withholding marriage, and now that's she's gone I crave all those moments again the good, bad, and stale. I keep wondering what I could have done to recreate that spark that this break up was able to do. I feel I'll always love her even if we move on....

Thank you for reading ❤️