In June, I tested reactive for Gonorrhea and Syphilis. I realize that it was a pivotal moment for me because I’ve never once thought I’d ever catch any type of std. It’s important to note that I was actively engaging in hookup culture; the majority of it was oral and kissing. Which in my head, was safer than unprotected bottoming/topping. Yet, I caught the viruses and immediately went to seek treatment. Since my treatments, I’ve slowly returned back into hookup culture; Grindr and Sniffies. I did notice differences between my most recents interactions with men. First, is the paranoia that I could contact another treatable std, or worse an incurable virus. But still, when I’m really in the moment I still find myself ignoring possible consequences for not asking for stats of men I engage with in sex. Second, is the delusion/health anxiety that overwhelms my mental health. For example, I could meet with a random guy and completely enjoy our interaction, but as soon as it ends I worry about any marks or pimples I see. I can get extremely worried sometimes until I doom scroll through Reddit and Google about possible symptoms, and the cycle continues. Last, I experience fear to get tested which ultimately is the reason for all my paranoia, anxiety, and irrationality. Which is the worst way to go about things- I fear to test so I continue to see random men without testing and trusting my gut. Today, I received my test results (first time retesting since treatment) and everything is non reactive. Except of course the antibodies of Syphilis will most likely always be present in my blood. So, now that I have a clean slate of mind, I decided to share that I’m going to take a break from hookups to focus on valuing/respecting my body.