A lot of writing ideas come to me at the strangest times. I was thinking of the Festivus episode of Seinfeld when I was in the shower, and of course I started to wonder if I could make some sort of script out of it. Sextivus? Not great. Breastivus? It made me laugh out loud, and that meant I had to at least attempt to write it. Fuck. Also, ta-da! It’s as absurd as it sounds, so buckle up for some light-hearted holiday fun, and scroll down to find the link to the script.

Oh, and in case you’re not familiar with the Seinfeld version of Festivus, all you need to know is that it’s a secular holiday created in rejection of rampant consumerism. And one of the traditions is called “The Airing of Grievances”, during which you gather your loved ones and share the ways they’ve disappointed you over the past year. It's observed on Dec 23, and traditionally ends when a chosen guest wrestles the host in “The Feats of Strength”, and pins them.

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Synopsis for performer:

Your long-term partner is feeling pretty stressed and disappointed with how their Festivus plans have turned out this year, so you try to get them back into the spirit of the season with a little bit of tough love, scandalously sexy lingerie, and a lot of titty time.

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Synopsis for listener:

December 23rd. A frigid wind rattles the windows, as snow drifts pile up outside. This blizzard has closed roads all over town, and effectively cancelled your plans for a Festivus gathering with friends and family. Your partner can tell that the stress of the holidays is starting to get to you, and since you’re alone with each other until the storm lifts, she decides to step in and comfort you in her own way….

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Then maybe I can help to get you in the mood. Festivus always starts with the airing of grievances, right? So let’s do it now, before dinner. I can see how stressed and disappointed you’re feeling. It would do you some good.

Ok, have it your way, then. I’ll start.

What does it look like I’m doing? I’m getting something off my chest. And my shoulders…my whole body, technically. Bathrobes cover a lot, after all.

Air your grievances here.

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