You’re back! Thanks for running out like that. I thought I had everything I needed to celebrate the holidays properly, but I found myself a little short on aluminum foil. I’ve been working the entire time you were gone though.

Cooking? Why would I be cooking? That’s very sexist of you, bro. In all the time I’ve known you, including the last several months as roommates, have you ever seen me cook anything other than a frozen pizza?

Oh, the foil. Sorry, I guess you could maybe get the wrong idea from that. It’s not for cooking any special holiday food or anything like that. It’s for decorating. You can’t celebrate the greatest story ever told without proper decorations.

Um, no. Not Christmas. Yeah, again I guess I could see why you might think that. But as you might remember, my family was not traditionally religious when I was growing up. Not really traditionally anything. It was just my dad, three older brothers, and me. I guess that’s why I turned out to be such a tomboy.

But no. Not the story of Christmas. The other greatest story ever told.

Die Hard.

Yes, with Bruce Willis. Of course with Bruce Willis. Could there be any other Die Hard? He saves Naketomi Plaza from Hans Gruber, who was played by Alan Rickman, long before he became Severus Snape.

I still remember our first celebration of the holiday. I was just a little tomboy then. Mom was no longer in the picture, and it was actually kind of a depressing December because of it. But we ordered Chinese food, turned on the tv, and lo and behold, there was the movie.

It’s a Christmas movie. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. And it was probably a little inappropriate for me to watch at that age, but I ended up loving it. We all did. In past years, my dad wouldn’t have let even my brothers watch it, since they weren’t much older. But this year was different. He was inclined to let us do whatever made us happy or forget mom, and that movie made us happy for the first time in months. Then, when the movie was over, we didn’t want the experience to end. Holidays that reminded us of my mother were something no one wanted. But no one said we couldn’t make our own. Which we did, right then and there. It’s a holiday just for us.

But I think the time has come for me to make a believer out of you, too.

Full Script Here

I actually started writing this at least two years ago. Maybe three. I always get ideas for scripts relevant to upcoming events way too close to the actual holiday. I never finished it that first year, or the year or two since then. There's a whole host of other Christmas-y scripts that I probably also won't finish this year. But inasmuch as any script of mine gets finished, this one is.

This follows my common theme of tomboys falling in love with their best friends, although hopefully this one has some uniqueness to it with the story and even the tomboy herself, who ended up having more baggage from her past than I originally planned. Hopefully it's funny in some spots, sexy in others, and even occasionally touching. We'll see, I guess. If you did enjoy it, please feel free to comment, because I'd love to know if people did enjoy this.

I went with the more lurid, porny title for this story. Otherwise, I might have gone with "The Second Greatest Story Ever Told" or "Die Hardmas", or something more thoughtful.

Anyone wishing to record this should feel free to make whatever changes they wish.

Thanks for reading, and Yippee-ki-yay to you all.

-Homer