(Edit: I talk about specific numbers here; I know that trigger warnings aren't a thing in this subreddit but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to put spoilers over the numbers? If I am please let me know and I'll edit again)

Recovery is a bitch.

It's been over a decade since I started restricting calories--first when I was 12-13, but I've had several relapses since then. Right now, I haven't relapsed psychologically; psychologically I'm sick to death of this whole thing. But I'm at a lower weight than I've been since I was in middle school (BMI 15-ish; yes, I'm being monitored by a multitude of doctors). Why? Because I've fucked my health over so badly that my body simply isn't letting me recover.

Looking back at my life, I can trace the health problems anorexia has caused me. Years of anemia and poor blood circulation means I'm always cold and my fingers and toes have gotten frostbite more than once. I have most-likely-permanent chest pain and am at risk for sudden cardiac arrest. I spent almost 3 years with excruciating nerve pain that only just went away last year. I have literally become less intelligent from my body starting to eat away at my brain, and my intelligence is one of the things I have always valued the most. I have brain fog, and a great deal of memory loss. I spent a few years sleeping 10-14 hours a day because of intense fatigue. My immune system is shot. I am at a very high risk for osteoporosis; I have developed blood sugar issues that are putting me at risk for diabetes; I have chronically high cholesterol and low blood pressure.

Currently, I've been dropping weight uncontrollably and have developed gastroparesis. I am trying so hard to gain weight (I need to go from 85 to 120 to be at my previous weight) but I can barely eat because every time I try I'm horribly nauseated or feel full after only a bite or two. Even on a good day I'm only physically able to eat around 900 calories.

I'm just so angry about the number of years I've wasted on this disorder, and the fact that the problems don't go away just because you no longer actively want to be sick. I'm angry that I had gotten myself up to a healthy weight and my chronic health issues started to go away, and now that I have lost so much weight they're all starting to come back again. I know that every day I spend at this low weight is pushing me closer to redeveloping these serious health issues. I'm so angry because I want nothing more than to be healthy, and go out on adventures, and not feel sick all the time, and my body is actively preventing me from doing so. I'm angry because being at this low of a weight is shortening my lifespan and reducing my quality of life and I have no control over it.

That's what eating disorders do in the long term; it may have started out (at least for me) as a means of control but it started controlling me a long time ago. I don't want to act like I know what other people should do with their health, but if you haven't been sick for very long, you have to do your best to get off this train as soon as you can. I wish someone had told me that years ago. Romanticizing thinness is cool and all, but the reality of eating disorders is much more deadly than I think a lot of people believe.

If you read all of this, thanks for listening to this rant! I haven't seen a lot of posts on this subreddit or similar ones that describe where I'm at (most people in recovery are having a lot more trouble with the psychological side of things), and I really needed to get that out. If there is anyone here who has similar experiences to me, or any advice, I'd love to hear it :)