I used to come to this form a lot as a teenager. It felt validated that’s there were people like me. Questioning and thinking about religion. At a time it was fun learning new things. I learned a lot about how the Abraham religions started and how they came to be. It was alot of funs and interesting to see the stories turn into what we know today. I don’t really enjoy the islam haha memes because I genuinely feel like it’s just people needing to touch grass. But every now and again I see something that’s good and insightful. I wanted to get to the point where I’m comfortable and happy with my decision to leave. And I have a right to believe that it’s one not for me. And too generally for the people that actually dive deep into the religion just strict for the sake of needing to excuse some persons actions. Or what the prophet thought was a good idea. I spent third years almost studying every, because I wasn’t comfortable. I felt like something was looming. I feel into a deep depression, which still scars me today. Often I get flashes of anxiety about it. And it all seems to trigger when I feel a lack of compassion from my family. I feel alone and isolated. And I’ve been trying to feel comfortable with that. Islam has been a burden in my life. I’ve been called Islamophobic many times. But I don’t think you can blame me for it was the idea that cause me to be feel unease every time it came up. When every time I showed my concern I was given justification after justification that it was not the case. Gaslight into believe that common problems in the religion weren’t problems and in fact the opposite. I understand this now that people need or want to defend sometime that’s so much a part of them. But it still pains me, whenever someone brings up the topic. I haven’t been able to heal from the hurt this religion has caused me. I tend to believe it’s my fault. And I fear the hold this idea has on me. It’s very uneasy.

What triggered this episode was none other than my brothers takes on life. Man started off taking about how communism is an extreme ideology and wanted me to defend a stateless classless society. I tried my best. But he didn’t want to understand how that might work nor did he want to imagine how it could. But the thing is I normal don’t wanna have these conversations with anyone in my family because they normally end up at the same idea being the solution. He said an Islamic society is the solution and when I countered saying Christian society also was very successful. He stated that it wasn’t as successful. And how can you compete with that. I got mad. And he demented to know what society was more successful than the Islamic golden age. Of course I cannot think of one of the top of my head and I got angrier. I really didn’t want to have this conversation. Because I knew at the end of the day this man would die before acknowledging anything.

I’ve felt like I can’t get anything through when it comes to this stuff. Often I feel like I’m being told I have to believe this. My parents don’t even wanna give me the respect that I deserve when it comes to not fasting or not being part of the religion. This religion has traumatized me and I fear everyday that it has ingrained itself in me.