This happened in 2007, but another post reminded me.

I went on a mission trip sponsored by my former employer to Nicaragua to give eye exams and free glasses to people in need. After two weeks I was exhausted and just wanted to get back to Colorado and take a hot shower and a nap.

There was about thirty of us on this trip together. We board the plane and everyone gets seated except me.

My boarding pass says 14 E. Middle seat. I’d prefer aisle or window to that, but I just want to get home. Get to my seat and there’s an infant sitting there.

I’m tired, but I’m still polite. “Excuse me, 14 E is my seat.” I flash my boarding pass to the guy in the window seat. He shrugs at me and the kid and goes back to his book. The EM on the aisle, 14 D, pulls out her ticket.

EM: “14 D! This is my seat! Sit somewhere else!”

Me: “I’m not trying to sit in 14 D. I’m trying to sit there” — point at her kid — “because that’s what my boarding pass says.” Show boarding pass again.

EM: “Screw you, I paid for this seat, sit somewhere else.”

Me: “That says 14 D, mine says 14 E. Did you pay for one seat or two? Do you have another boarding pass for your son?”

Flight Attendant (FA) arrives.

FA: “You need to take your seat, sir.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sit down. There’s a kid sitting in my seat.”

EM: “This man is threatening me and needs to be removed from the plane.”

Me: “What? How did I threaten you?”

FA: “Sir, we cant depart until you take your seat.”

EM: “He should have to take the next flight for threatening me.” (If I remember correctly there was one flight into Nicaragua and one flight out every 24 hours to/from the US.)

I pause and look between the FA and the EM.

Me to the FA: “I’m having trouble locating my seat. Can you help me?” Hand the FA my boarding pass.

The flight attendant hands me my boarding pass back and leaves. Meanwhile, the 30 people from the mission trip are trying to come to my aid namely the lead chaperone, Janet.

A brief thing about Janet: imagine an anime character that has sworn to fight for what is good and right and just, but that character is a god-level “Karen.”

Janet: “Why are you still standing? What’s going on? I’ll talk to someone. Who do I need to talk to?”

Almost all of our stuff got stolen when we got to the hotel in Nicaragua on the first day of the clinic. Passports, clothes, cameras, shampoo. I had my passport and my camera on me, but I was one of the few. Janet hulked-out at the hotel manager and everything magically reappeared. I had seen her go nuclear and I did not want to see it again inside an airplane.

Me to Janet: “Its fine. Little bit of confusion. Nothing to worry about.”

EM: “I don’t know how you can be so rude to me. Just take the next flight.”

I’m actually worried that Janet might overhear what’s actually going on and yeet this lady and her kid off the plane, so I don’t respond to her.

FA returns with Head Flight Attendant (HFA).

HFA: “Sir, you need to take your seat or we can’t depart.”

Me: “I can’t find my seat. I need assistance.” Hand over my boarding pass.

HFA to EM: “Can I see your boarding passes, ma’am?” EM hands over a single boarding pass. “And the other one?”

EM: “What other one? I paid for this seat. He’s rude and needs to take the next flight.”

FA and HFA whisper. FA departs for the front of the plane. I’m pretty sure for security. Which, FYI, airport security in Nicaragua is AK-47 toting army personnel.

Me to HFA: “I just want to sit down and go to sleep.”

HFA just ignores me. FA returns.

FA: “Come with me, sir.”

EM: “Enjoy your layover in Nicaragua, asshole.”

Me: “I’m not taking the next flight.”

FA: “We moved an elderly woman into first class. You can have her seat. It’s the first row after first class.”

I sit down in my seat with a bit more leg room and pass out. Don’t open my eyes until we land in the states.