Hello reddit, this isn’t a usual thing for me to post, but I am dealing with a lot, and I don’t know how to handle this. I have been married almost two years and in a relationship about 3 years with this person. We have fights here and there and disagreements and say things we both regret during those times. We both understand that we don’t mean it when it happens, but I don’t think my spouse has ever let anything go and has continuously built-up resentment towards me. For months and months, he has been claiming that I have been gas lighting him and spying on him and lying to him. I did one time look at his laptop once, but admitted to it after being in fear of the repercussions when he asked me about it. But other then that I have not and did not do anything outside of the normal conversations and argument crap people get into when they bash heads on concepts and understandings.

So, to start if off, my husband (though I don’t know if he is that anymore) has had a lot of traumas in his past and I have as well. We met online and started hitting it off almost right away, from reddit. We talked and video chatted for 2 months then said Hey, why don’t you come visit me. So, he came to visit and stay with me at my apartment. That apartment I had a roommate who seemed very upset that someone was staying for a month from out of country, even though she was well informed that someone was going to be doing so and agreed to it. It all went great; the month was wonderful, and we had a lot of good times. This was over 3 years ago now by the time of writing this. I need to be honest though, we did have some fights even then about things. He wasn’t on the right meds for his depression and adhd at that time, so it sometimes was a bit much emotionally and he had outbursts and cases of harm to oneself. I am stating these as it is important to the context of the entire message.

Now after the month was over, he went back to Mexico and started arranging things to come live with me permanently here in Canada. We both agreed that we wanted to do that and to get married to keep it going and to have a sponsorship for him. He proceeded to get his end of things done in Mexico while I worked on things here and made sure that he could live at my apartment. I am in a wheelchair and lived at that time in social housing and was asking them many times over if I can add my soon to be spouse to the lease. Though legally I believe I looked it up and they are not allowed to deny a spouse living with one regardless of the housing situation. Him and my roommate got along for a little while when he came back, but it didn’t last. They both clashed on some things and the roommate started to make claims of feeling unsafe. This in turn started to make my soon to be husband have breakdowns and which also in turn cause me to have the same thing happen. It was a rough time. My roommate at the time makes complaints that where unfounded to the housing complex and got them to say he must leave, or I get kicked out. This essentially made my spouse homeless in the middle of 2022 here in a country he had no friends or family in. This is something he has forever blamed me for and said I didn’t do enough research about it, when I literally called and emailed asking about it multiple times and got the response that it would be ok having him move in. But yeh, it of course caused a rift and problems, and the roommate got the police involved.

Following this happening my spouse moved into an Airbnb for the remainder of 2022 and half of 2023. I made sure he had his space and didn’t even visit the Airbnb unless I was asked to. There was a lot of tension between us as he held me accountable for what happened to him. Weather he was right or wrong doesn’t really matter as he was hurt and alone. Eventually I moved out of my place and into the room that he was renting. It wasn’t easy to do as the place wasn’t wheelchair accessible at all so it was very tiring for me to get around it, as well I couldn’t help with chores at all let alone get my own food. This also put a strain on things as he was always exhausted from having to do almost all the work. During this time some really shitty stuff happened to me from him, and I never have brought it up publicly until last night. There where a few instances of him being physically abusive to me and hitting me and trying to smother me with a pillow. This happened 2-3 times over the course of living there. Maybe I should have left at that moment, but honestly, I wasn’t able to leave him for many reasons. I love him so very very much and thought that maybe what he did was something I deserved, and it was right of him to do those things. He also wasn’t on the right meds at that time, and I thought when he gets on the right ones everything will be fine. So, we lived in the Airbnb for about 10 months and then moved up to Ottawa for a cheaper place.

Now in Ottawa is when things started to change with him a fair amount. He started to demand that I let him be poly even though the initial relationship wasn’t poly. He did date someone long distance early on in our relationship, but he told me that it would only be that an online relationship and nothing more. So, I said alright, I guess. But when we got to Ottawa, he wanted to change all that and start seeing people in person. He told me that I either let him do that or he just leaves and makes me homeless in that sense. At this moment if you have still been reading, I want you the reader to know, that there are probably some inaccuracies in this story, as I don’t always have the best memory and perfect recount of things. So, I panicked in that situation of course and agreed to it if he followed some boundaries and if he gave me a lot more time to work on what’s changing in this relationship and how its never going to be the same again. But he got mad and upset at me asking for that. This whole time in the entire relationship he kept saying I’m being abusive mentally and emotionally towards him due to me not giving in on everything he wants. So, we lived in Ottawa for while he found some guy or something to meet at some point and to this day, I don’t know his name or anything about him. Nothing went on between them though, but he did try.

Now we lived in Ottawa he had a few instances of harming himself and trying to do some bad things to himself. I had to try my best to keep him from hurting himself and ending everything more then a few times. We had to go to the hospital like 3 times for it. This is just giving context to the amount of stress that was going on. During the time in Ottawa, I was also searching for work. I only was able to get a seasonal job during the holidays which sucks, but it is what it is. So, to cut the Ottawa part short, we lived there for about a year and 2 months then moved back to Toronto, where we/I reside now.

Here in Toronto the rent is higher and something I cannot afford on my own and he is aware of that. I have been paying for our phones and internet and the loan we have on our new bed monthly while also paying for my public transit. This comprised of almost 80% of the money I got a month leaving me with no way to really pay down the debts I was incurring on credit cards I had to use. Things started to get worse between us with him almost daily saying he’s going to leave if I kept being abusive and not changing my ways and communicating in a way he understands. About a month ago he called the police because we had a fight, and I left the house to for a stroll to cool down and recompile myself and thoughts. I went with out my phone and keys. I didn’t take the keys because there is a concierge in the building that always lets me in, so I didn’t think it was necessary and I wanted to just be alone for a bit. But sadly, he thought I was going to end my life, even though I haven’t ever been like that. Yeah, I have been depressed and shit, I think a lot of people have. But I have never wanted to take my life. I found out that he left too and was ready to take his life thinking I have. This was scary to me, and I vowed to never do that again with out notice no matter the anger or anything. Now things continued how they usually did. He made sure I can’t see anything his does on his computer and phone, which I guess is fine I mean privacy is thing of course. I never ever knew how much money he had to pay for things or how much he spent. But he always was able to see my accounts and asked to at times and what I was spending what I had on.

So come to last night, we had a disagreement, and I was asking questions and asking how we are going to pay rent as something has come up and we had less money and the website used to transfer money from his stuff to mine hasn’t been working. We talked about it, and I asked some questions and he got very annoyed at it and said I was being abusive. There is more in the conversation but honestly, I cannot right now remember it due to the events that unfolded after words. He told me to fuck off and good luck with the rent, then went into the bedroom with his bag and meds. He came back out after a little bit and refused to talk about anything at all. So, I started typing something up on the computer for my feelings and expressing them to him in a letter and just basically apologizing for anything I have done and any wrong doings. Making sure to let him know I love him and care about him and am working on the way he wants to communicate. But because I said don’t worry about what I’m typing and responded that way after him asking 4 times, he got super mad and frustrated and called the cops. While he was on the phone with the cops my Support worker came to help me with my shower, so I took a shower. After that he just kept staring at me and not looking away and being angry at me for not panicking and just being calm in the situation. He told me what if the cops arrest me aren’t you afraid of that and worried. I responded by saying I can’t change the course of action you have taken, what ever happens, happens and we have to deal with it. Probably wasn’t the right thing to say as it got him even more upset and then he started saying I’m planning something (which I wasn’t at all, I am just generally a calm person in stress). So, the cops came and took down our statements and talked to us each in different rooms. We live in a 1bdr apt. I finally told them about the physical assaults that he did to me in the past and I regretting telling them about it right away. As the cop’s tone changed drastically about the situation. It was never my intention to ever get him in trouble and hurt my husband. But in that moment, I fucked up and should have never mentioned that. Because that lead to him getting arrested. This is the morning after the event, and I am lost. I can’t afford my place; I haven’t been able to get a job and now I lost my best friend and love of my life because I spoke up. I haven’t been able to eat with how I am feeling and have hardly slept. I have been told he is not allowed to contact me or come with in 100meters of me or this home.

I feel like what I did was wrong, I shouldn’t have ever mentioned it and I should have just kept quiet and let whatever happens, happens to me. I haven’t talked to my family in almost two years, and last night I called my mom who is driving 5hrs to come visit me for a little while. But I feel like I’m the asshole and a jerk and a worthless person who may have just ruined someone’s life when I never meant to do it. I should have stayed quiet about it.

This was really hard to write and put down, but I needed to do it. I know maybe posting on the internet isn’t the best idea, but I’m doing it. Reddit I was wrong in what I did wasn’t i.