You can call me Eli. They say honesty is a good policy, especially in first impressions, so let’s start here: Eli is not my real name.

My wife and I live in Salem, but we both travel domestically and internationally for work (I’m a management consultant and she’s in tech sales), and normally we do our best to be out of town as much as possible in October because it’s a madhouse, but this year I ended up home. Prioritizing career means that there isn’t always time for intimacy when you and your partner’s schedule don’t match. Throw in the lovely side effects of my Lexapro (hooray mental health! but seriously, hooray! It’s worth it), it can be a challenge; but we were both very aware of that going into this stage of our lives and careers, so we have an adult relationship and marriage where we both understand one another’s desires and needs for frequent intimacy.

We are both at our own discretion to satisfy our desires outside of our relationship when we are not in the same place, and if you’re still reading this, well I think you’ve figured out by now that I dropped her off at the airport this morning.

Me: 6’2” / 165lbs, ginger, beard (slim muscular/runner’s build — 7min miles). My wife tells me that I am unconventionally handsome, and what I lack in convention I more than make up for in in … another sort of convention. She swears I’m desperately funny if you’ve got the right sense of humor, but I maintain I’m just deeply consumed by anxiety at the fact that some people out there are raw-dogging it through life without weed or therapy or medication or alcohol. Who does that to themselves?

I love hockey (got some of the teeth to match, but I’m sure you noticed that), Formula 1 racing, and recommending tv shows to people I’ve literally only just met, and then apologizing, while simultaneously forgetting their name. It’s a wonderful personality trait, and it’s also part of what the therapy is for.

You: F18-22, attractive (if you think so, let’s see if I agree), into older men who know what they are doing and want to spoil you and your body.

Some things don’t need to be complicated in order to be discreet, so let’s keep it simple: if you’re into the 35 year old millennial that’s married with no kids vibe, or you don’t know and want to find out, just ask me about my house — we bought it 2 years ago in Salem and it’s turning 190 years old this year. I’m a nerd about it, and we’re doing all the improvements ourselves. I know what I am looking for, so if we match, I hope you know, too.

This is not my first rodeo, but it’s okay if it’s your first time being briefly involved with someone who is married. I want to stress the word briefly (not like that — Lexapro, remember?) — our encounter would be for a single evening. I think this sums it up: I would be very disappointed if we match and it turns out that you haven’t given all of this very much thought. So if you’re still with me, give it a think, and maybe say hello, maybe we get together and smoke some weed and get to know each other.

If this is for you, I hope we speak soon — I’m looking forward to making a connection today.