Reddit: Hi welcome to reddit, will you be using our mobile app today?

Me: Is there another option?

Reddit: No.

Me: Oh, then unfortunately yes, but I'd rather not.

Reddit: Great! We're glad you're here, what can I get you?

Me: Yeah, thanks, I'll have an attractive, mid-30's to mid-50's, average build woman please.

Reddit: Domestic or international?

Me: Domestic please.

Reddit: Let me see if we have any in stock... there are a few, definitely more international.

Me: I know, but time zone issues... I'd like domestic.

Reddit: Short, medium, or tall?

Me: What's short?

Reddit: Short is 5'2" or shorter, medium is 5'2" to 5'8", and tall is 5'8" or taller.

Me: I'll take either medium or tall, but whatever you have in stock.

Reddit: Okay, short or medium it is... hair color?

Me: hmm... b r u n e t t e ?? I'm really not that picky about hair...

Reddit: Okay, brunette... good choice! Any side dishes to go with that?

Me: What are my options?

Reddit: Here's our menu.

Me: oh right.... um...

Reddit: Can you move aside, and order when you're ready?

Me: Wait, wait, I know what I want... side of sarcasm, two orders of creativity, a side of sass and a side of flirty confidence.

Reddit: Oh I was just told our side machine is in need of repair. No sides today.

Me: Now what?

Reddit: Take what you get... or go next door to Tinder.

Me: No thanks, I need to stay discreet.

Reddit: Great! What I have so far is a middle aged plain American woman, no sides. Anything else?

Me: That wasn't quite right...

Reddit: Take what you get.

Me: But...

Reddit: Do you want to chat on our buggy platform and risk not getting notifications, or chat elsewhere?

Me: hmm... I can chat on your site to start, but can move to another if it's more convenient. But about my order...

Reddit: Okay, your total comes out to... a picture and short description of yourself.

Me: Um, okay... hispanic, 6'2", mid 40's, dad, trying to stay active (HWP), enjoy reading, walking, laughing and creative fun.

Reddit: I'm sorry, we've run out of women looking for casual flings with hispanic men. All we have are escorts and men catfishing as women. Do you want one of those, or maybe something else?

Me: Darn, okay. Any younger women looking for my age?

Reddit: Let me check... do you have an Only Fans account?

Me: What's that?

Reddit: No, no younger women looking for your demographic.

Me: On your menu it says...

Reddit: Don't be a creep.

Me: Right. How about the escorts?

Reddit: Escorts? Did I say escorts? I'm sorry sir, we don't serve escorts here.

Me: Didn't you just say...

Reddit: Well, okay, thanks for coming to Reddit! Who's next?...