I’m so nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and feel the shame rushing to my cheeks. I’ve always been a bit thicker but I’m massive. I hardly recognize the woman staring back at me. Suddenly, an alert pops up on my phone. It's from the personal trainer that I met online. This was not some run of the mill, diet and exercise, body positivity promoting personal trainers. No, they explicitly detailed their hatred of fat people on their listing. I reached out to them because, if I was honest with myself, I needed a firmer hand to ensure that I met my weight loss goals. Part of the process of applying to be a client of theirs, everyone was required to send in their before shots. I had done so reluctantly, embarrassed at how far I’d let myself go. The required attire for female applicants was a pair of bike shorts and a sports bra and let’s just say that didn't help the image. Earlier today I received a response from the personal trainer. It was a brief text message that said, “Hey thunder thighs. I might be able to help you before it’s too late.” My heart sank reading those words but my inner desire to be put in my place regarding my weight gain encouraged me to respond. I immediately followed up with gratitude for being selected and we decided to set up an in-home workout tonight. The message I received that drew my attention from my reflection was them letting me know that they had arrived. Still in the outfit from my previous pictures, I left the bathroom and headed to answer the door. Then, the dreaded knock.

So, how will they react? If I had my way they would fat shame and use my insecurity about my weight against me. Force me to work out to the point of exhaustion and then push me even further. Never let me forget that fatties like me dont deserve an ounce of mercy or reprieve.