About 4 years ago now when I was maybe 14, out of the blue one night I had this horrible panic attack (best way to describe it anyway). I had never felt anything like it before, so I was horrified, I just had this inescapable feeling that I was going to die, that if I fell asleep, I wasn’t going to wake up. I ran to my parents and they calmed me down, helped me finally pass out (after about 2 hours anyway). They were obviously concerned as like I stated earlier, I’ve never felt that way before, nor have I ever had such a fit the way I did that night. The feeling was inescapable in the following weeks, it was constantly on my mind and I thought I’d never get back to normal, it was terrifying. Eventually, it began to die down, and I was able to function normally again, but the deep rooted feelings have never passed. To this day, I still have this same blur clouding my brain, everything’s still off, colors aren’t the same, almost washed out, if that makes any sense. I feel distant from everything, almost like I’m in a pool of water and trying to reach the top, I can see the top but I can’t quite get there. Everything’s hazy, it almost feels visual but I know it’s not. I feel almost like I’m in VR. I have these strange habits I never used to have, like for example, I’ve become strangely superstitious when I’ve never been before, like If I split the pole, I’ll go back and loop around out of fear that something bad will happen. I’ve been drained of any motivation or will, sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me from falling apart and just waiting to die is my family. I don’t have the same drive or spark I used to and it’s killing me, I just want to feel alive again, I want the colors to be vivid again, I want to care again, to feel the same motivation and fascination for life that I was striped of. But I just feel like there’s something in the way, something keeping me trapped. I acknowledge everything around me is real, I know it is, but I just don’t feel like I’m fully there anymore, part of me is missing.