So yeah I thought I’d make a post to share my experiences along with seeing if people share the same frustrations that I do. Throughout childhood to adulthood I feel like I was a very anxious and emotional person, it does feel weird or even confusing to look at the past and analyze it to see why I’m the way I am right now.

I’ve definitely been yelled at a lot by old friend, my parents, authority figures like my teachers. Always afraid of messing up, afraid of causing trouble, afraid of doing something that may be misinterpreted to where I get in more trouble. Being undocumented is also another factor, feeling dehumanized because of it.

My mom always told me that I “never liked discipline”, “always lazy”, “didn’t like being told what to do”, and I despise that because I had this shame when I was a kid that my parents couldn’t speak English well and my friends had parents who were citizens and could speak English. But besides that, idk I just feel like I never had the self confidence to pursue things even if I enjoyed certain hobbies. My old friend would always be abusive towards me, calling me fat and telling me to not play the games he showed me, or threatening to beat me up in school, it’s amazing that I called him my friend in the past.

I had a panic attack back in March 2021 because of a little marijuana lol, and that sent me on a downward trip mentally over the span of weeks. Got on Zoloft 75mg, felt great after a few months on it, tapered off the medication may 2022, felt in a better position than I have in the past but now in august I feel shitty. I’ve been fatigued since 2021 December and I’ve been ever since. It sucks to be so self aware of my own life and so knowledgeable about human emotions that I can’t even manage my own. Lol but I started prozac 3 days ago and I’m hoping it helps my fatigue and no emotional blunting occurs.

I’ve been reading body keeps score and it’s offered very nice perspectives. Especially with my intrusive thoughts and anxiety, like at first I was scared of the content of the thoughts only to be validated that many people have these thoughts, sometimes I spiral out and get scared that “what if one day I DO act out these thoughts”?, “what if I’m just suppressing them?”, “Am I actually crazy?”.

Being alive is tough, after getting of Zoloft I started to paint and partake in my hobbies but my energy is shot. And I know one of the big things to recover from anxiety and depression is to take action and do things. As a potential Daca recipient (because the program got paused as my application was processing) i would love to start working and saving money so I can eventually be self sufficient, not worry about my moms bills, and have my own place with my friend. Independence would be amazing. I guess I would like some advice if possible.