Sorry If this is a little random, all over the place, and confusing. I'm extremely depressed lately and can't find any motivation to do anything. I'm too afraid to commit suicide because of the potential pain it may cause and because of the small chance that if I keep living I might feel better and change my mind. So far it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Although I have never tried to kill myself directly, I have picked up a whole bunch of risky behaviors that I never even thought of doing before I was depressed. Some examples include driving extremely fast, eating extremely unhealthy fast food about once every two days, riding a longboard at 40 mph with jeans and a t-shirt, etc. Ever since November 2015(a date I will never forget) when my severe depression first hit I have wanted to die. Here's the initial cause of my depression but it's due to much more things, I apologize if it comes off as a little opinionated. Sleeping is my favorite activity because it's the only time where I feel like I am away from this shitty world. The problem with sleeping is that after the first five minutes I wake up all the shitty feelings I had from the day before hit me in waves.

It's midnight as I am typing this and I have a four page essay due in nine hours for my English 101 class. I stopped typing after the third sentence of the introduction paragraph after not being able to think of anything to write about and then all of my thoughts hit me. Why am I wasting my time typing this essay for this pointless class? Why the fuck am I even wasting my time attending this community college in the first place? College is for people that have a future and a good life planned ahead of them and I have neither of those two things. The only future I see myself having is sitting next to some dumpster in a random shopping center or apartment complex talking to myself about my glory days and suicide.