I'm a long time sufferer of chronic depression and anxiety. I've been seeing a therapist for about 6 months, and have recently relapsed and spiraled down.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is sigh. Here we go again. Another day, another handful of medicines, another afternoon of pretending I'm okay. Some days are easier than others. Today is not one of those days. I had an appointment with my physician this afternoon and called to reschedule. Fake me says I just can't make it in. Real me is just on the verge of tears at every second. Cue phone call from my mom checking to see how the appointment went. Told her I rescheduled. Cue being told I can't let this defeat me and I have to soldier on, can I call and get a sooner appointment? Can I call the psychiatrist I'm supposed to start with in a few weeks and have them squeeze me in?

Earth to mom, I can't do it. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed. I can't tell the difference between dreams and reality. I'm scared. The last thing I need is for you to yell at me. I know you care but tough love isn't going to work. I don't want to move back home so that being around you makes me crazy. But I can't sustain my life this way either.

All in all, I don't want people to worry about me because I feel guilty. But I've come to realize that people without this disease don't need days to recharge after being with friends or family, they don't know what it's like to just be waiting the whole day through so you can go to sleep again, or that your refuge of sleep has become a thing of nightmares for your real life.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. If this is living, then I don't want it.