I thought I left this sub-reddit. But after tonight I’ve realized that I will never truly be gone. I might take breaks, but my dark shadow will always be there.

Tonight I finally laid it all out and told a girl, probably the closest thing I have to a best friend right now, how I felt about her. She already knew, but tonight I guess we kind of went on a “date” and we had “the talk”. I laid out my emotions and she told me she didn’t want anything more than to be friends. I know it’s my fault for letting myself feel this way .I had even told myself that I shouldn’t be with anyone for a few years, if not forever, after my last relationship ended a couple years ago. I stuck to my guns and did that until I met this girl. I shouldn’t have let myself fall for her, but I did. I played through all the possible scenarios of what would happen tonight, and I knew I would be rejected. But it still hurts. I now face the task of prying my emotions away from this girl and somehow remaining friends with her.

I’m not angry. Maybe disappointed with myself for letting this happen. But it hurts. God, how I’ve forgotten how much this hurts. This is the pain that reminds me why I should never allow anyone to get close to me. I left myself vulnerable and this is now the price I pay.

I wish I could say I didn’t want to end it tonight, but I do. Anything to make this hurt go away. All the meditating, Buddhism, and feel good aphorisms doesn’t mean anything now. I’m sitting alone, trying to keep it together. But in all honesty, I want to just let myself fall apart.