I find out that I haven’t. And it becomes a fight against a slippery slope to keep from falling back in. It’s like a cold wind that blows down my spine when I’m a weak.

I think I’m doing good most of the time. But my pitfall is people. Or rather, my disappointment in them. I have been hospitalized for severe depression three times in my life, the last time while I was in the army. That was the one that finally got me to change my ways. I decided to start studying Buddhism and figured that depression comes from suffering, which Buddhism seeks to end. Flash forward 6 years and here I am.

For the most part I feel okay. But I realize now that I only feel ok when I don’t have other people in my life. I give and give to people I care about. I listen to their worries. I try to be as altruistic as possible. And I try to be as good as a person I can be. But sometimes, like this weekend, I feel like a doormat. Or worse, someone that others feel sorry for.

Most of my friends see me as weird because I’m vegan, I don’t like to get drunk 2-5 times a week, workout and run, but don’t watch sports, and I don’t flirt with every girl that I know. So I’d say I have acquaintances, no real friends to speak of.

I also have 3 kids, ages 11-15, that are wishy washy with coming to see me. I don’t get a notice that they’ve decided to skip a visitation day until a few hours before.

On top of this, I broke a promise to myself over 2 years ago to remain alone and let myself fall for a girl that I have no business liking. We’ve become really good friends and there’s some kind of weird thing going on with us, but she won’t talk to me about it. She knows how I feel, but she won’t let me in to her emotions. I’m now at a point that I think I need to purge my feelings for her, which I’ve become good at, but I don’t want to do it this time. It requires me to see the bad things in her and almost disdain her for awhile, just to shock me out of liking her.

Tonight, these three things just came together for a perfect storm and now I’m home, alone, and I feel the wind blowing on my back. I want to grab the blanket of self pity and wrap myself up. But worst of all, even though I don’t want to to right now, I can feel the almost reflex-like urge to hurt myself. I’ve seriously attempted suicide twice before. Now I have kids and I’d like to say I’d never do it, but I feel like once you’ve tried it, that unimaginable thought that people talk about, becomes a lot easier, and not so unimaginable anymore.

I need to be rescued from myself. But the only one who can do that is me.