I’ve been trying for years to hopefully just maybe feel happy again, I've been in this constant state of depression since i was sixteen, im twenty four now. My dad hates me, my mom cant respect the fact i am LGBT and would spout BS down my throat because “God”… I just cant find happiness. I’ve tried going out, reaching out to people, tried enjoying solitude, made hobbies but i cant even enjoy those. I have a few friends and my cat and that’s it, these past few weeks people has just been going off moving on and im just left here, and the worst part my best friend from childhood is leaving to another state im happy for her but there’s this piece of me that just wants her to stay, jealousy, and honestly empty, obviously we can keep in contact but im not sure if she’d be able to do that for long and in afraid of losing her..

Im stuck at this dead end job because i dont know how to do anything else and i dont understand things easier. I would love to have my own home to go to free from either my mom or dad but i just cant afford it by myself in California. My dad wants me gone, not even in his life and very clearly tells me. I can’t handle my mom whatsoever, even then i don’t know what to do when they die. I know for a fact sooner or later I’m going to end up homeless, i would love a better job but as i said i have a really hard time understanding things, i can’t find a roommate, partner, etc etc… my friends either don’t have room or they live with their parents and i don’t want to be a burden to anybody else.

I already want to die, honestly hope everyday something happens so i don’t have to deal with this pain, sadly im scared of death, im scared where ill go.. but genuinely what other option is there for me? I’m just waiting for everything to go downhill, I’m expecting it because i know what my reality is. I don’t want to be depressed, but how can i find any happiness when my life just constantly goes downhill, i can only pretend to be happy for so long.