I feel like nothing I do matters, people walk over me, treat me like shit, I do things and get the shit ends of the stick, I try to help make my life better and nothing. I've tried finding coping mechanisms which done helps but only for so long, I try getting in relationships to see if that can help fill a void and I always get royally fucked over to the point I feel like trying is pointless, my job sucks, I still live with my parents because it's so fucking expensive to live in Cali, I have zero skills in anything, I have horrible people skills, I shut myself away from people at this point, I want to die so badly, I want to stop existing. I want to give up so badly but I keep thinking there's some glimmer of hope just for life to take a shit on me again, I can have a good week and then boom nothing but bad things. The amounts of issues I have doesn't help, I feel useless, nobody even cares to ask how I feel, how am I, or even bothers to show a sign to care. I am constantly casted in the shadow of my sister who's life is way better than mine only wishing I can have even a slice of what she has, no matter how hard I try I can't get there, no matter how much I tell myself "things will get better." I know I'm only lying to myself just to try to keep living, all I can think of is "I want to die." "Nobody even cares so why does it even matter, everything is very clear I'm just here to be here." I great for what my future already looks like in the next 10-20 years only hoping I'd die before things get worse only so I don't have to deal with it. Driving is basically gambling my life because I pray someone actually hits my side, or just think about slamming in a wall.

The only thing holding my life by a thread is my cat, she's literally all I have, doesn't think of me as a failure, actually gives me some kind of love or attention. If I left her she'd die because nobody else would take care of her, so I have to live just for her. This cat has so much weight on her shoulder and she doesn't even know it. I fear the day she dies, I know I'd just shut down and I can't handle the only thing that cares leaving me.

I just want these feelings to go away, I want to actually genuinely be happy and not have to fake it or when it is genuine it actually lasts... I want to find people who actually cares, I want my life to get better but it seems so pointless/useless to even try knowing the outcome before it's even happened.