I’m probably going to delete this when I wake up. But I’ve been battling depression for a few months. Maybe even years, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to feel. I can’t feel the pain in my fingers. I can’t feel the heat of the shower. I can’t feel the burn in my throat when I hit a nicotine vape (not addicted and don’t hit vapes with nicotine usually). I just feel alone. I have my friends around me, texting and snapping. None of them know how I really feel. I’m too afraid to tell them how I really feel. At least here no one will remember this post and no one would really miss it if I just deleted and stopped typing this now. I’m a 16 year old male living in Canada and I hate myself. My tinnitus drives me absolutely crazy and it makes me just want to go deaf sometimes. I can’t handle anything anymore. I’m finally shutting down after all this time of bottling my shit up hand hiding behind a fake profile in front of my family. My father hates me, I hate myself and I just want to leave. But I still have Two years of highschool and at least two years left in my torturous home. I’m a middle child and so that typically makes you the least liked in the family. I’m the trouble maker, the rebel of the family and my dad hates me for it. They are heavily Pentecostal Christian. But I’m not. I don’t know. Fuck I don’t know anymore I just can’t. I can’t sleep. I have exams this week and it’s terrifying. I don’t want to fail but I don’t have motivation to study to become a paramedic and I don’t want to be homeless and I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to feel this anymore. Fuck I don’t even know what to say now. I have no real reason to be depressed.l other than my mentally abusive father. My best friend has way worse issues than me and she handles it well. So why can’t I? I just want to Jill myself and end my fucking miserable life. But I won’t because I have her in my life. My best friends. The people who once knew me better than I knew myself now only know the half of me. My girlfriend of one year I have no attachment to. Fuck I don’t know what to do. I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t. I feel like I’m going insane but I’m able to understand everything. I’m not crazy or suicidal. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so fake. I can’t trust myself or anyone else. I just don’t want to exist. I won’t kill myself but I want to. I’m not suicidal but I am at the same time. I just want to fucking be happy. I’m 16, I should be having real friends who I can’t keep a secret to. And I used to. Alayna and Cohen, my best friends. they’re names aren’t relevant but I love them so much. They mean everything to me. I wish I felt the same attachment to my girlfriend that I do to them. God. I feel so fucking fake and I hate it. I haven’t told anyone how I feel and I doubt there will be a response. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. My hair is too short, I’m in a halfhearted relationship. I’m ugly, I’m too kind, I’m a liar to myself and everyone I know. I’m too young to be depressed and I DONT KNOW FUCKING ANYTHING BUT I AM DEPRESSED. GOD WHY. I KNOW I DESERVE THIS. BUT PLEASE TAKE THE NUMBNESS AND PAIN AWAY. I just want my best friends back. I want them to know how I feel without telling them. I don’t want to call the kids help phone because I’m scared they’ll tell my parents. I don’t want to be a foster kid or anything. I love my family but my dad terrifies me. Just 2 more years. Then I’m out. God I don’t know. I feel so alone. I haven’t seen my friends in months because of covid. UGH GOD I don’t wanna post this. But no one is going to read this far with detail so whatever. I love my best friends. Cohen and Alayna if I ever show this to you I’m sorry. Here goes nothing.