I called my mother and told her about how my wife never listens and then I went shopping, spending money I don’t have on stuff I don’t need for people I don’t like then I got a call from Gary who’s my BFF but I hate him because he can eat anything he wants without gaining a pound but if I just look at a piece of cake it goes straight to my ass and then I went to return some of the stuff I bought earlier but the guy behind the counter wouldn’t take it because I didn’t have the receipt even though I was just there, like, 7 hours ago but I know he’s just being an asshole because he remembered me from high school and that time I gave him a back handed compliment that he totes deserved because he told Mike who told Frank who told me that I was “getting a little slow on the field” but if that was even remotely true we wouldn’t have made it to state because I totally carried our field hockey team all the way no thanks to Trevor, who everyone knew was sleeping with Giselle, but he wouldn’t admit it because she’s totally a moped and speaking of mopeds, some asshole on a moped (really a big loud Sons of Anarchy kind of motorcycle, but whatevs because omg Jax is one I would totally go gay for) cut me off when I changed lanes without signaling almost making me spill my grande java mocha frap on my lap and oops didn’t mean to, but I totally rhymed right now because I’m totally a poet and I know it because my friend Max said that I should go on “America’s got talent” and that I would destroy the competition with my mad word skills because I really don’t talk a lot but when I do you know it’s gonna be something special because my wife says I’m deep, like an ocean and I totally wanted to tell her the same thing but I know she would’ve taken it all out of context and made a big deal out of nothing like she says I always do which I do know isn’t true, because if it was true I would not have gone to my doctor for these fucking mood swings and need to make catty comments to everyone and be totally snarky with everyone even though they low key don’t deserve it but I’m totally secure in my manhood even though my doctor said I have levels of estrogen in my body but y’all know doctors don’t know shit anyway because I looked online and saw that that can’t really happen because Chris Martin said Gwyneth Paltrow told him that high levels of estrogen in men cause catty comments, snarkiness and talkative behavior which I totes don’t have, amirite boys? Has you seen my sunglasses?