Yes I'm submissive/masochistic but I don't actually get off on someone body shaming me or harshly judging my life choices (I actually need to feel cute to get off lol).

However, once or twice a year I [29F] get this build-up of negative emotions, insecurities and sadness, from not being able to show weakness to anyone irl, and I must tell someone; and at the same time I can't handle people pitying me, feeling bad for me or showing genuine compassion; it makes me uncomfortable.

So, I'll go on one of the degrading subreddits and meet a sadist, tell him my life story and in turn he'll berate me; this usually hours long convo makes me cry a lot, but it feels cathartic in the end (I usually don't mention that I'm crying so it's not awkward). I've done this about 3 times so far.