So like the title says, I’m a 36 year old male, I’m married with four children. My entire life I’ve toed the line between “straight” and being bisexual. I was a theatre kid if that gives you any idea on how I was in school. I think the fact that I grew up in a big catholic family with two big older brothers and an even tougher older sister in the south, honestly made the idea actually coming to terms with being bisexual seemed like death sentence, literally. Needless to say I’ve been suppressing some stuff for a while.

In my last few years of high school and once I moved out I did experiment at bit, but I never found the right guy, time, or place to explore as much of that side of myself as I honestly wanted to. Now that I think back on it there were PLENTY of opportunities but for whatever I chicken out or never perused what I actually wanted.

Years have passed I am now on my second marriage, I have four kids, a good job and everything is cool, I’m not the worlds greatest husband by any stretch but I like to think I’m a good dad. I thoroughly enjoy being around and with my children and it’s a happy house with a lot of singing and laughter.

I have to add my current wife is a cool fucking lady. On our second date, I accidentally got a little too drunk and kissed a guy in-front of her and she laughed it off. She also has purchased “toys” for me in the bed room, but I must admit I’m too nervous to use it with her. I do LOVE using my toys while solo but I’m so shy I have not even told her that they are in use.

A few months ago I got in a car wreck (there were no injuries other than a concussion also I have an extensive medical history that worsened the concussion). The results of the which were severe depression and anxiety, weight loss, memory issues, I am now medicated for the anxiety and depression, still having memory issues but I’m slowly finding ways to manage. The meds are helping a bit but I’m not the biggest fan though.

Since the wreck, I feel as those Im a completely different person now. One example is I use to LOVE big crowds, and I was always the life of the party. Now though, it’s hard for me to be in a room with more than 10 people without my anxiety amping up. I’m quiet and closed off where as before I was usually the loudest one in the room. I’ve quit smoking cigarettes, drinking, I’m running 2 miles a day, eating clean and I cut out most bad sugars. I’m reading again, cutting down on screen time, learning to meditate and attempting to learn a new instrument. For whatever reason though I do not feel like I’m getting better, I keep feeling worse and not myself.

Another thing that is different is I have not been sexually attracted to my wife or females in general. To be blunt, I’m still getting myself off daily but exclusively to gay or transgender porn.

I do not want this to sound as though I hit my head and became homosexual, that is not what happened. In the past, like I stated previously I’ve experimented with guys but sadly I never felt comfortable enough to go all the way. For what ever reason now that’s all I want or can think about.

Since the wreck, which was months ago, my wife and I have maybe had maritals twice, if that, and that includes our anniversary. I am trying to be interested in her but it’s not working and she’s getting extremely frustrated from the lack of intercourse.

I keep blaming my non interest in her on the medication, but if I’m being honest I’m more turned on than ever but just by something new.

I’ve offered for her to “get her fix” from someone else. Before anyone says it I’m not trying to allow her to cheat so I can, she actually called me on it, I told her no. I love this lady and I want to be with her and for her to be happy but I don’t want to have sex with her right now and if she isn’t ok with me not having sex with other people I won’t.

I do not want to cheat on my wife, plus my anxiety will not allow me to just download grinder and get it out of my system without her knowing.

What do I do? Like I know she’s going to be cool about it but my heart is beating out of my chest just typing about telling her, how do I actually talk to her about it?