I had a 3 month relapse from November to February, then landed back in treatment. After getting 3 1/2 months clean, I got a case of the “fuck-it’s” and fell back into addiction. Cocaine is the only drug I really use. I don’t drink, or do any other substance, except Adderall, on occasion.

In these short stretches of active addiction, I went from a nice, stable work schedule where I come home and feed my cat every day, hit a meeting, then say a prayer and go to bed, to ending up in strange houses, scary neighborhoods, and all sorts of colorful characters rotating in and out of the apartment. My poor cat is constantly trying to figure out what the fuck his human is up to next.

These are people and places I would never come near in sobriety. It always feels surreal when I am driving through a sketchy neighborhood, scanning every direction, and wondering how the hell my life led me here. I am constantly reminded that I am not cut out for this lifestyle every time I get swindled out of some money by someone who senses my kindness, and exploits my naivety. I get to see desperate ways people who are fighting to survive find ways to get their needs met. The unseen tragedy of life in addiction.

I have met some of the most interesting people I’ve ever come across. I’ve met women with jaw-dropping good looks and razor sharp intellect that I desperately wish would get sober. I’ve met men who are shy, soft spoken, and generous, and also have a history of cold-blooded violence. I’ve been in situations that spiked my adrenaline past its limit. I have dozens of stories, and they are each as outrageous as the next.

As hectic and out of control it all is, it’s impossible to deny how fun and exciting it is at the same time. How filthy and intense the intimacy is. It’s much of the reason that it’s so hard to go back to being sober, paying the bills, petting the cat, and getting healthy sleep. I’m glad I’ve been having this memorable experience, but I also know it’s time to end the show, and learn how to live a normal, sober life again. And a sober life done right can be a life of pure, authentic happiness and true inner peace!

I love all you beautiful disasters! Be safe.