I'd really appreciate anything anyone has to say :)

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I'm a guy. I've never dealt with anything like this before. Not just feelings for a friend, but genuine feelings for anyone. It's so scary. He's been my best friend for over 5 years, but only in the last year or so have I really started thinking about him this way. I think I've been much more aware of my sexuality in the last year in general. I'm in my early twenties but I really don't have any experience with anyone. I've had major self-esteem issues that I've only just begun tackling and I feel like now I'm really heading into a period of discovery.

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I don't know if I should tell him I like him or not. I really want to, but I'm worried about what it will do to our friendship. I don't even know why I want to, but I do. I think it's just me wanting to get it off my chest. I'd be deluding myself to think that telling him would result in a relationship with him. That being said, he has told me that although he's straight, he keeps an open mind and would never say that he could never be with a guy.

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It's so confusing for me. It feels like I go back and forth. But I think the 'back' portion is just my mind subconsciously trying to repress these feelings because I know it will only complicate things. One time I'll see him, and he's just my friend; he's just someone that I want to hang out with and talk to and have a good time with. Then the next time I see him...I just wanna grab him and kiss him, touch him, hold him--literally anything to just be close to him. But the biggest source of confusion for me is the fact that my brain keeps flip-flopping between seeing him as just a friend and seeing him as someone that I'm sexually attracted to and fantasize about. Yet even though I have those times where I see him as just a friend, I know that if he walked up to me and said "hey I like you too, be my boyfriend", I'd say yes in a heartbeat. And I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but if there's even a 0.1% chance of being with him in any sort of way--that would never happen by not telling him, right?. I'm not banking on it though. I know it would be unhealthy to do that.

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I've only recently came out to him and a couple of other close friends as bi. There have also been so many other things I've been struggling with and am still struggling with for which I've relied on my friends' help and support. I feel like adding this would be such an overload. He's already dealt with so much of my personal crap. My relationship with him didn't change from telling him I was bi. He was totally cool with it. But this would be another level obviously.

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I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. He means so much to me. Even if I can't have him this way, I need him as a friend in my life. I can't lose him. While I don't think this would make him run away after years of friendship--who knows? It's a risk. There's always the what ifs. We've always hung out a lot just the two of us--what if he'll only want to spend time with me in a group, where he doesn't have to be alone with me? What if it's too awkward or uncomfortable for him to be around me at all? What if he's too weirded out by it to be my friend anymore? Should I just not bother telling him? But it eats me alive some nights keeping it all in.

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Has anyone dealt with this before? Did you tell him or not? Girls, did you tell her or not? What happened when you did tell them? How do you manage ongoing feelings if you didn't tell them? If you did tell them, how did you balance the feelings with friendship assuming you couldn't be with them the way you desired?

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I know every situation is different but it would just help to hear other people's stories who have dealt with the same thing I'm going through. With the way I feel right now, as into him as I am and as good as it feels to imagine being with him, I almost wish I could erase all these feelings from my head. I don't want to be ashamed of how I feel but right now I'm just so scared of the consequences. Bless anyone who read all that.