(15nb) okay so, i wont be getting into my SO-OCD situation too much since this isnt a sub about that. but for some background info, ive been attracted to men pretty much all my life with a pretty minute attraction towards women. i only recently heard about the term bi-cycling and the fact that my prefrence shifted towards women scared me into believing i was a lesbian. its a little better now but im still dealing with the fallout, it was especially bad because i couldnt relate to a lot of SO-OCD experiences (that discussed only straight/gay people instead of bi ), but now i know that SO-OCD can effect people like me too i wanna learn how to accept my identity.

ive always been really accepting of queer people, like since i was a child. i grew up around bigots but when i learned about their existence through the internet i was like, “ohhhh, so thats why i am the way i am”, and i just accepted it from there. ive always liked men and gravitated towards them, and i identify as trans & male-aligned so my sexuality oscillated between bi and gay since i didnt have any substancial proof i DIDNT like girls. i know i do now, but my attraction to women isnt something i really explored until recently. my SO-OCD wasnt rooted in fear OF liking girls, it was more like “what if i lose my attraction to men and realize it was a lie the whole time??”

i didnt think i had any internalized biphobia until i started actually experiencing attraction to girls. i was like, “holy shit, is my whole life a lie? do i not like men anymore?? i need to pick one!!!”, forcing myself to only feel attraction to men and ignoring women, and then vice versa like “i must be lesbian, why do i still like men”. i know that logistically, itd be fine if i was just bisexual, but i cant let go of the feeling that i HAVE to choose one. like im scared that if i explore my identity ill stop liking men or something.

my gender also has a lot to do with this since im one of those people whos comfortable with shifting my presentation depending on who im attracted to, i identify closely with masculinity (internally anyway, im pretty fem) but i have a pretty loose concept of gender roles and allow myself to do fuck all depending on how i feel that day. which adds another layer of confusion. i know my identity is very prone to changing as i age (yesyes i know, im young and i have all the time in the world to figure it out), i guess id just like to hear what the wise bisexuals of reddit have to say. how did bisexuality feel for you when you were my age? how did it change as you got over your internalized biphobia? especially people who are genderqueer and have ocd like me. id love to hear any and all thoughts!