So I had a pretty traumatic experience and did a bad thing but at least I came out of it identifying as bi…

I had an affair with my best friend, and the fallout within my friend group has been extreme.

It all started with a period of depression following a breakup with my ex, Rachel. I found myself in a slump, going nearly six months without any romantic or sexual encounters. That's when my best friend, John, comes into play. John and I had been inseparable for the past two and a half years, but things had gotten tense. I had become quite close my tattoo artist and was hanging out with him all the time and John had been treating me somewhat negatively and constantly getting frustrated with me and then eventually as a way to make up for being this way he came to visit me while I was getting a tattoo and then after leaving, he texted me and told me that the reason he had been treating me this way is because he was feeling jealous of my relationship with my tattoo artist and was tired of pretending to not be into me. My relationship with my artist was completely platonic though. He ended up, begging me to come over to the place he was house sitting after my tattoo was done because he desperately wanted me to fuck him (particularly after finding my dick pics leak. I didn’t particularly identify as bi, but I also knew I wasn’t straight entirely, but I preferred women drastically, but I did always have feelings for him and knew he had feelings for me even if we never discussed our feelings. He did identify as bi, and knew I wasn’t entirely straight but not particularly into women.

I acquiesced and went over and fucked him several times all night. I’ve fooled around with a couple of bros in the past but never had penetrative sex. I was surprised at how similar it was to fucking women, though I think the deep personal connection is what made it so enjoyable.

Despite initial regret, we began a secret affair. What started as occasional hookups quickly escalated into a full-blown emotional and physical connection. Things escalated when he started using the L word. However, there was one major complication – John's girlfriend, Lillian, who also happened to be a friend of mine. Both of them were inextricably connected to me and all of my friends because we have a large friend group of like more than 30 people who go out to shows together every single week.

As the affair progressed, so did the guilt and internal conflict. I knew deep down that keeping the truth from Lillian was wrong, but John was adamant about keeping our relationship hidden. And something about me is that I don’t lie. Or rather, I lack the ability to tell directly false statements and also find it impermissible. But can omit or mislead, but I’m not comfortable with either of them, particularly to a friend. The tension between us mounted, leading to frequent bickering, arguments and unresolved issues.

Jack always said he’d softly reveal things to his girlfriend in a way they could make things work. I wanted them to work out (or break up. They were my friends and I wanted them both to be happy) but after a lot of f time passing I asked him when he planned on telling Lillian the truth. And he said he decided just not to. Because of my extreme aversion to dishonesty, and if I was ever asked point blank about whether it happened, this made me start to mentally unravel. After continuing our pattern of bickering, John, and I made plans to meet for a drink and talk to repair the tensions that were mounting, but Lillian inserted herself into it and then invited like 10 of our friends as well as my roommates and I didn’t want this situation at all, but it would’ve been too weird for me to suddenly back out, particularly Now that my roommate would be giving me a ride and I wouldn’t have to Uber. I ended up getting pretty drunk and when I got home one of my roommates could tell there was something up and asked me what was wrong and I ended up confessing the entire affair to her. She said that while it was an extremely tough situation. She was deeply disappointed in me and John,and that he had to tell Lillian or she would. I think I confessed to her because she would give him this ultimatum and finally the right thing would be done. But after he told Lillian, the backlash has been extreme. While Lillian was friends with all of my friends, she didn’t know many of them very well, and she didn’t go out very frequently. But after she broke up with John, she started going out every single week, sometimes more than once, and ingratiated herself within my friends, and turn them all against me, leading to a rupture in our social circle.

To make matters worse, I found myself facing eviction from my home. My landlord’s girlfriend, both of who happen to be friends close friends with both Lillian and John, no longer wanted me as a tenant. It's a devastating blow, in an already dire situation.

Now, 6 months later, I'm left feeling isolated and ostracized. Most of my friends, while not necessarily upset with me, are unwilling to go out with me to not piss off the friends that have sided with Lillian, leaving me with only a few allies. It's a lonely and disheartening place to be, especially knowing that the fallout from my actions has cost me so much.

I managed to find a new apartment, but the financial strain from moving has left me in dire straits. I'm barely making ends meet, and the stress is taking a toll on my mental and physical health. To add insult to injury, I recently became the target of harassment from Lillian. She wrote on the bathroom wall of this dive bar that only she goes to “To make the world a better place, text “Fuck you Trav.” To my phone number, and I started receiving dozens of hateful texts every night. It's a form of emotional torture that I never saw coming, and it's made me feel even more isolated and alone. Until I figured out it was her, the few friends that have stood by me, suggested her as being the one to do it, and I kept sticking up for her saying that she has no reason to do so because she has one. She has turned all my friends against me and it’s been six months. Also, she is a PhD scientist in her early 30s and, that doesn’t seem to be something that she would do. But I gave her too much credit because I figured out it was her.

I know I made a horrible mistake, and I take full responsibility for my actions.

However, at least die have finally excepted and come out as a bi men.

EDIT:I want to emphasize I do realize how horrible my actions were. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I accept full responsibility for my actions and I have been punishing myself extensively— I began isolating myself before word had even gotten out to make sure to create a safe space for Lilian and told her if she had any questions I would answer them honestly. I’ve isolated myself at extreme expense to my rapidly deteriorating mental health.