sexuality has many components to it. I’m concerned that my whole life has been heterosexual relationships built around intimacy and skin hunger and companionship but maybe not fantasy and that side of me has been fulfilled through secret sides..

I’m only mid thirties and am in a long term hetero relationship.

I’ve only ever had long term hetero relationships. I’ve always had to build an emotional connection to become intimate with a woman. I’ve had a long term porn habit that’s been addictive at points. As part of that I’ve hooked up with men from online before for one night stands. Heavily fetishised one time things.

I’ve had internalised homophobia from a young age and have somewhat come to terms with that now. Just inside this latest hetero relationship I admitted to her my past.

I trying to reintegrate that gay side of my self into my life. And not experience it through hidden fantasies etc.

Though I’m questioning - have I always just been deluded..?

I’ve been told I am ocd by health professionals. Sexual orientation ocd exists but it’s not recognised by many. And maybe it’s bullshit.

I feel arousal with my female partner. But not a lot of desire. I know that desire changes in a long term relationship. I feel arousal when we are in the moment together. But I can fantasise about men and kinky stuff.. Like if I wake up on my own and I'm.horny that's where my mind goes. And I feel ashamed of it. Because I feel bad I don't have that for my partner, who I love deeply.

:( any advice?