I often find it difficult to sleep. Last night was one of those nights and after a few hours of trying, I found myself writing this blog post in my head, so I got up and just started typing. I’m not sure where I was trying to go with this. It’s a bit of an incoherent ramble but maybe it might be of interest to someone out there. Enjoy I guess lol.

If I’m being completely honest…

I’m a cisgender, Kinsey 4 man. I’m happily married to the love of my life, a cisgender, heterosexual woman. I live a heteronormative life that I am happy with and wouldn’t change a thing.

Having said that, I am also a Kinsey 4 bisexual and although I agree that being bisexual is not in any way synonymous with being unfaithful or promiscuous or unable to commit to monogamy, if I’m being completely honest, I (me, not all bisexuals) desire sex with men too. I desire it so much that the idea of living my entire life having never explored this part of who I am, seems not only unrealistic, it seems almost cruel in some way…you know, If I’m being completely honest.

Let me explain, I’ve known I wasn’t straight from an early age, but as many of you reading this know, “knowing” didn’t mean shit. I have an almost super human ability to ignore, obfuscate and flat out lie to myself…and subsequently everyone else…with shocking effectiveness. Maybe you do too. It’s pretty common I’m told.

It wasn’t until 4 kids, 2 marriages and more than 40 years of life, that the walls of Jericho came crashing down. I had to come clean to myself and open up to, and tell my wife everything I was feeling; “I’m sexually attracted to men, like BIG TIME”. Holy Shit right??!! Being completely honest sucks.

If you’re wondering what “tell my wife everything”meant to me, it was basically the following:

1. I’m not straight. I’ve never been straight (In fact, I’m more attracted to men than women.) and I led you to believe that I was, that was a lie, and for that, I’m truly sorry…but the lie wasn’t intentional and I sincerely hope that you can understand that.

2. I am as committed to you and us as I’ve ever been. NOTHING has changed for me other than me simply, finally, reluctantly, uncomfortably, fearfully and bravely acknowledging a long suppressed truth about myself.

3. We entered into this relationship under the unspoken understanding that Monogamy was the relationship dynamic we both wanted. That was 100% true for me at the time, but, if I’m being completely honest, that’s changed for me. Change doesn’t mean I can’t live up to our agreement/understanding. I can, and I will if that’s how it needs to be, because you mean more to me than any of this…. BUT, if I’m being completely honest, I would like the opportunity to explore the possibility of Consensual Non-Monogamy experiences with other men, as something we can experience TOGETHER, since we are both attracted to guys. Truthfully, if I wasn’t bisexual, we would not be having this CNM discussion. I do not desire other women. Only you.

I asked to renegotiate some of the terms of our relationship and my amazing wife loved me enough to truly HEAR me. Occasional CNM is now a part of our sex life and we both agree that our relationship is stronger, more intimate and never fucking dull. I’m so grateful to have fallen in love with a woman as awesome and open and compassionate as my wife.

God I love this woman… that is, if I’m being completely honest.