I was excited when I finally decided to use the bi label. I thought I would feel relieved to have language that more fully captures my sexuality. It led instead to more confusion — what does this new identity mean for my current hetero relationship of 5 years, in which my sexual desire for my partner has been absent for more than a year? Am I biromantic / asexual? What if I’m actually lesbian and only think I’m bi because of comphet?

I think I’ve found some tentative answers: I am bi, not lesbian. I have the potential to experience romantic and sexual attraction to multiple genders (thanks Robyn Ochs). Despite having exclusively dated/slept with men (now that’s thanks to comphet), my sexual attraction to men is rare. It’s much more common—and intense—with women/non-binary folk.

I love, admire, and care for my partner deeply. He is my best friend, a great life partner, and we align on values and visions for the future. But I’m not sexually attracted to him. I worry that our discrepant sexual desires will leave us both unhappy in the long run. He wants to have sex with me and wants me to want the same, but I don’t. What I truly want is to have sex with women.

I’m still questioning whether this is an issue of compromise or incompatibility (advice welcome here). But it’s thanks in no small part to all of your thoughtful posts and comments over the past year or so that have helped me know what I know so far, so thank you 🫶🏼 I hope that if any of you are working through something similar that you know you aren’t alone.