Hello everyone. This is my first time posting here. I am a 25 year old female and English is my second language.

For many years, I felt worthless, hopeless and depressed. In middle school I was often sent to psychologists and counselors by my teachers, as my mother refused to acknowledge there was something wrong with me, even going as far as calling me a "sick rat". I come from a single parent family, and only too late have I realized I suffer from "daddy isues" which lead me to make many many mistakes. With time, I got over that.

My teachers saw there was something wrong with me and probably had the best intentions when they sent me to counselors. I was too afraid to speak the truth, so I would always tell them that the bullying was getting to me. I never told anyone how I actually feel and what makes me feel this way. It all came from home. My mother had several partners, and I hated them all. I sensed the evil in them. One of them touched me when I was little (it was nothing too severe so I kept quiet). The next one was just pure evil, he was very controlling and abusive. Watching my mother quietly take that filled me with sadness and hopelessness. It was the cause of my self diagnosed depression(later legitimately diagnosed as a depressive episode with no psychosis).I never told this to any professional at the time because I was afraid of my parents' retaliation.

Years painfully dragged by, my sadness would come and go, but after a recent painful break up, something changed in me. I am more hopeless than ever, I cannot fall in love anymore, I have zero motivation and will to live. I am still afraid to go and see a professional. Last time I had to go (I needed papers to justify my 3 month absence from school), the doctor seemed to take what little I told him as a joke and I felt like I could not trust him, let alone open up to someone who seemed to have a condescending look on me and would not take me seriously. Fear was still there.

I am easy to open up to strangers online, and through many conversations I learned what was wrong with me. Depression, daddy issues, lack of self confidence and self respect, strong suicidal tendencies. I read of these conditions online, and then I heard of bipolar syndrome. With all listed above, I think I might have this as well. When my cycle is somewhere half way and especially near its end, the symptoms only worsen. I become a toxic, self pitying, terrible person. Recently I noticed it was not only when its that time of the month. It happens on any day. Surges of happiness, inspiration, motivation, followed by dark thoughts, sadness and self pity, feelings of worthlessness and the ever present wish for death.

I know I am well over due to see a professional about this, but how can I get over my fear of opening up to them? I am afraid that I am so far gone that I will need medication, and I do not want that. Im afraid of side effects and stigma. I wish to get better, but I am afraid of what it will take to get there.