I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m a 24 year old male and have had one instance of SA and it was terrifying. It was 7 months before my diagnosis and I was completely manic. My sexual impulsivity was worse than my financial impulsivity. I won’t talk about what actually happened, but I walked out of this guys house in complete shock, covered in my own vomit after choking in it and blacking out three to four times. My neck was black and purple for over a week and I had to learn to use make up to cover what I could before going to work. The man blocked my profile immediately after. I was never able to report him because I felt like it was my fault and I deserved it even though in the beginning I gave him my boundaries and he ignored it. I didn’t think the cops would take it seriously because they were country cops in very small rural hick town. Later on down the line found out I wasn’t the only one it had happened to.

I immediately went into a serious depressive phase for at least a month. My fear of suffocation grew to the point where if I got any water in my nose or mouth in the shower I’d panic and throw myself out onto the floor to get away from it. Anytime I had difficulty breathing if I was doing excessive exercise or work I’d panic.

I had never had a history of SA before, and I talked to my therapist about it and after my diagnosis she said it is possible to be immediately thrown from a manic/depressive episode into the opposite if you have an extreme trauma happen or experience a trigger to something traumatic from your past.

So I personally think your Ptsd AND their behavior forced you out of your manic episode. I could be wrong as I’m not medically educated, but it WAS NOT your fault. I still have those thoughts occasionally but being sexually impulsive does NOT give people the right to assault you. I hope with all my heart that you’re able to heal and accept that you did nothing wrong, it was them who was wrong ❤️