I know avoidants (DA/FA) feel a lot of shame, but I don't really understand what this shame revolves around.

As a former AP, I was mostly scared and anxious about being unlovable and while I did and do feel shame, it's mostly remorse. And if I do something I regret, I try to make sure to apologize and do better next time.

What I see with avoidants is that they have two default settings: feeling grandiose to feel better about themselves and when they actually feel guilty over something, they get wrapped up in a cycle of toxic shame and beating themselves up so they have no capacity to have compassion for the people they've hurt. I have so much compassion for this because feeling ashamed is a particularly horrible feeling. But I just don't get where all this shame is coming from?

So avoidants, I'd love to hear about your shame! And just know that shame only survives in silence and isolation, so the best way to alleviate shame is to share it :)