I see a lot of posts on here from people wanting advice about a partner who is acting avoidant. And then they describe some pretty shitty behaviour. I want to tell you all that it isn’t always about attachment. Sometimes people are just jerks and it has nothing to do with attachment.

Attachment theory explains how you feel about relationships and intimacy. You still have a choice about your behaviour in the face of those feelings, and that says something about your personality, values, and emotional maturity.

As an FA person, I can understand both the AP and DA responses to relationships. When I’m in AP mode and want reassurance I’m tempted to text my partner more and read into his behaviour, and these feelings exist because of my attachment. I don’t have to DO anything. I don’t need to repeatedly text my partner with accusatory bullshit or try to make him jealous. I can have a calm conversation where I check in to make sure I’m not ignoring red flags. When I’m in DA mode, I minimize past hurts and physically withdraw, maybe end the relationship. I DONT cheat or lie or misrepresent my intentions.

Bottom line: stop excusing shitty behaviour by blaming it on attachment. Again, attachment explains how relationships and intimacy make you feel. How you act on those feelings is determined by your personality and values. Avoidant people aren’t assholes. Liars and cheaters are.