People on this sub have suggested that I have avoidant tendencies. I thought that was nonsense at first, but when I calmed down and reflected I realized I have a huge blind spot.

Two years ago I was dating a woman I really cared about as we got closer there was a moment I asked myself “Do I want to settle down before I travel and date women from all over the world?” I suppressed those suspicions because she was the girl of my dreams. That relationship ended when she got on anti-depressants and started on and off stonewalling me. She felt insecure about the medication's side effects.

I've been hot and cold with women I didn't want to be in a relationship with. I’d tell them I only wanted something casual. I’d call it off when I met someone I wanted to be with or they caught feelings. I remember thinking “Why is it that I’m more confident with women I don't see a future with,” I wrote “It off as men have needs” I realize now the women I truly desire scare me.

One ex ago I was with an anxious woman who would give me the ick sometimes but I suppressed those feelings and in the week I’d think how could I ever feel that way about her? I’d drive an hour to see her and spend 3 days with her, and when I got back home I’d be annoyed if she texted me.

My last ex scared the hell out of me she was so awesome and I was afraid I didn't deserve her because I haven't become a firefighter yet, she went all phantom ex on me I mentally just checked out of the relationship.

I feel like a fool for not seeing this sooner, and antagonizing so many It just felt so much better to be angry than hurt. I appreciate the people who called me out on my shit I have more work to do.