Never thought that I would feel this way about my partner but I think I may be ready to move on. I’ve been taking my time with pondering this to be honest because I don’t want to make a mistake in losing someone I feel I care for. It’s just that lately I’ve been questioning whether or not that care I having for him is platonic or romantic. We’ve been together over 3 years now.

The truth is that on and off I’ve been thinking about wanting to look at other people. I thought about maybe something like an open relationship but that isn’t fair to him and honestly I’ve only really wanted monogamy. All of these thoughts kinda skyrocketed after I went on Grindr once over the summer. I never did anything with anyone but I definitely betrayed our relationship and it made me start realizing this is something that’s real for me.

When me and my partner first started dating I was really lonely and so was he. We helped each other through those times and there’s a lot that we’ve experienced and learned together. But also a component that I’ve ignored that most likely plays a role is that from meeting him the first time he wasn’t my type. My partner isn’t ugly and I would never want him to change for me but it’s just the truth. More than anything I hoped that overtime looks would be something that I wouldn’t pay attention to. But no matter how or if we end I know that I have love for my boyfriend. However, things just aren’t hitting for me the way I want them to. It’s not just sex anymore (which our sex life has always been questionable in my viewpoint) but just the little things. Saying I love you feels awkward and I hate that but I can’t ignore it anymore. On top of that kissing is something that is passionless on my end. I miss feeling a spark like something along the lines of “feeling butterflies.”

For many reasons it’s hard to see an end of us but a part of me strongly wants to mingle around. I don’t even necessarily want to settle down but to just feel an intense connection again. The concept of our breakup just fucks with me a little because we are still both reliant on each other financially as well. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to lose him either but I’m not all that sure what to do.