I'll try to keep this short(ish). I am a married gay male. Older guy - 50 -- who denied my sexuality my entire life. Over ten years into my marriage, and commitment to vows, I started hooking up anonymously every now and then with guys on business trips. Never shared my name or anything. Never with anyone in my hometown. Super secret, super safe. Not all the time, but mayve 1-2 times per month. I was in full fledged denial of my sexuality and what I was doing. It was truly awful behavior. And then I got caught by my wife (she found a condom and that spilled things open). I came clean about most of it (sparing her some details) and 4 years later we are still together and want to remain so. There are so many layers here, but basically my very strong lifelong desire to marry, love someone, have kids and build that traditional life -- neighborhood, job, kid school and sporting events, country club, etc. -- far exceeded my sexual desires. I honestly wanted both. I love my wife, my kids, my public life so much, but also have a strong desire for gay sex. Since I surpressed this my whole life it has exploded in my middle age. My wife is the ONLY one who knows. I have kept myself away from cheating since this all came out...but it's getting really hard to keep it going. The urges are strong, my eyes and thoughts wander.

Looking for any advice -- I'd love to have my cake and eat it too, of course, but what I have chosen -- thus far -- is to stay committed because my family and that life means more to me. I know I am nuts...