Sorry in advance for this being long.

I am 46M in a 2 year relationship with 48M. We still live separately. Our sex life is plentiful and very passionate. But I am very unfulfilled.

I consider myself a versatile top. My partner all bottom. He knew from the start I liked to bottom on occasion. And I really do mean "on occasion". I am no expert bottom. It takes planning, lots of prep, and has to be the right situation for me. I would really prefer to bottom with toys he uses on me as I feel it's something we could share together and is much more comfortable for me.

In all my prior LTRs me and my partners were pretty much versatile with each other. My current partner assured me from the beginning we could play with toys and when we play with a 3rd I could bottom on occasion. But these have all been a rarity. Turns out he is very uncomfortable with toys. Doesn't like them used on him and doesn't use them on himself either. In two years we've only played with toys on either of us maybe 4 times. We've played with 3rds and I've only bottomed maybe 2 times. And even then the uncomfortableness and tension made the experiences so bad they ended early with no one having finished. One encounter I only bottomed for maybe 2 minutes (because the guy couldn't stay hard - for either of us) so I don't even count that.

We've discussed this several times. We've argued about it many times. He says I satisfy him 100% (In full disclosure, the only exception being he would like more 3ways. But I just don't get into them as much as him but it's because it relates to this issue I'm referring to: he wants me to be all top and he wants the 3rd to be all top.) We have tried having an open relationship several times but have had huge issues. His idea of being open is more my definition of being "monogamish". He thinks we should not be actively looking to hookup. If it were to happen organically somehow that's fine. But no searching on apps for sex.

So my bottoming has been relegated to something I do at my home when alone with my toys. And because I never do get to bottom, nearly every time I'm alone and want to masturbate I do it using my dildos. It's something that has made me now feel like it's a dirty secret. And something that is starting to make make me feel very down and negative. And that was never the case before. I always enjoyed pleasuring myself and I am very sex positive when it comes to everyone pleasuring themselves.

I have never told him he does not satisfy me. I tell him he brings me great pleasure. But truth is I am very unfulfilled and don't know how to share or communicate this to him so I don't hurt him. Or has been the case in the past, anger him and we have a huge blow up that lasts for days.

I feel this need that is just not getting met. At the same time I feel very guilty for thinking this way. Is the fact that I don't get fucked a reason for me to be making a "big deal" out of it? Should someone be willing to accept this the way it is if they love the person as much as I love him? Should I ask him to be open so that I can have this need met? And if he says no is it reason enough to end things?