21m here. I'm very much struggling with my identity as a gay man. I don't relate to men, I'm not one of the girls, and I'm honestly intimidated by the mainstream feminine gays; the really popular twinks. I want to embrace my feminine side more but I feel like I don't even know how to. I'm always wondering how so many of them have this feminine energy and general confidence about themselves, it feels like there was some Gay Club Meeting that I missed out on growing up.

Part of me feels like I don't deserve to express my feminine side. I heavily resented a really popular more effeminate gay kid in my middle/high school because of how much people loved him for being so confident and out there. I can't help but feel deep in my soul that it's not for me. As early as 8th grade I would tell myself that I wouldn't want to "fit the stereotype"; I was convinced that the typically effeminate gay men were doing it for attention.

I carried this with me for a while, appealing to straighter dudes as a self-proclaimed gay who "didn't make it his personality." I only recently realized I was essentially trying to be a gay Model Minority, and now I'm stuck with all this insight with feelings that don't match.

My relationship with my parents is complicated but they were genuinely fine with me being gay. My mom was/is very neglectful and she really didn't care at all. With divorced parents, I primarily stayed with my mom, a very masculinized, cold woman, and I feel like I've never really experienced or lived alongside femininity.

If you've read all of this, I really appreciate it. I'm curious if there are any other men (current or former) who had these struggles with figuring out their feminine side and the steps you took to embrace it. I want to define what my feminine side means to be more but also really want to get over this fear/intimidation of other effeminate gay men.