TW: self deprecating thoughts related to weight.

Hi everyone. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and wondered if anyone had any feedback or advice on my situation.

I just had top surgery (aka a gender affirming double mastectomy) Oct. 17th. I’m used to seeing my chest now, and I kinda like it. What I don’t like about my appearance is my stomach. Before, my boobs “balanced me out” I guess. I didn’t realize I look like this, and now there’s no hiding.

I was expecting to go a size smaller in my shirts, but I probably won’t due to the size of my stomach. That’s a hard fact to come to terms with.

I try very hard to be anti diet and aware of my fat phobia in order to deconstruct it, but it’s almost insurmountable at this point. I keep sucking in my stomach when I look in the mirror. I feel depressed when I put a shirt on and the fabric stretches over my stomach. I compare my body type to men, who at least look more balanced than I do, even if they’re “overweight”. I feel like Winnie the Pooh.

I’m sorry for all this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to diet or restrict, for fear that it won’t work long term and I’ll just bounce back bigger. That’s what happened to me before (I dieted for several months, found IE, and gained weight). But I don’t know what to do about this body that I feel disgusted with.

Edited to clarify some goofy wording.