Hi Reddit, First Post! 45yo/M/5.5 years sober.

I hate, hate, hate (x3) my wife! However, I love, love, love, love (x4) my kids! (10 and 12 yo).

The only thought worse than spending the next 8-years with this woman, is the thought of breaking up my family. As an alcoholic, I don't know whether I'm crazy or sane? Whether I'm in a bad situation? Or whether I really am this awful person I get told I am?

I need to scream, I need to meditate. I need to throw a chair, I need to take a walk. I need to need to jump off a bridge, I need to seek (more) professional help.

I don't know what I need?? But I know I cannot live like this! It's so frustrating to see online how everyone in recovery loves life so much, I hate life!, and I hate the fact that I hate it.

I'll see my sponsor later today, that's good!, but eventually I'll have to come "home", that's bad. I want to stop feeling bad when I come home. I want look forward to a weekend, and not just hope to back to work, just to get away from being home....I want to live life!

http://i.imgur.com/VDxoXrq.jpg