My mom is an alcoholic. Her family is full of alcoholics, and they like to get together and drink until they can't see straight anymore.

I want to love her. I really do. But every time she comes home drunk, I'm filled with rage and anger. I want to shut the world out, so I flee to my room and lock the door and play loud music. My compulsive skin picking goes haywire and I bleed all over the place. I act like she's a hallucination I should just ignore. Her questions go unanswered. Her requests go unheeded. She wouldn't remember anything anyway, and I feel if I try to answer her I'll just scream uncontrollably instead.

I hate her when she's like this. I hate her with the most passionate burning spite I've ever known. When she gets drunk, MY evening gets ruined.

She knows it's a problem but won't do anything about it, and she doesn't want to admit the magnitude of the problem. She doesn't think she's drunk until she's to the point of pissing herself and passing out... which means she'll drive unless she's at that point. (Thank God I can drive myself now.) I've hoped time and time again that she'd get in a car accident or something like that so she'd have to wear one of those alcohol monitoring ankle bracelets or do a breathalyzer test before getting in her car.

I'm just so filled with rage right now. I know I can't change her until she decides to change herself, so how do I cope with my emotions for now?